


I loved you before I ever knew you

by iwantthemtostay



Series: Wild Horses [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe, F/M, Pregnancy, teenage pregnancy (past)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-09-25 04:11:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17114228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwantthemtostay/pseuds/iwantthemtostay
Summary: "If our hearts were never broken then there's no joy in the mending"Family means a lot of things to Tessa and Scott. It's each other, it's the Virtues, it's the Moirs. It's Katie, her mom, her grandma. It's skating. And maybe it's time to expand that family.





	1. the first trimester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a one-shot... but here we are!
> 
> A million thank yous to M, do_not_confess, peacefulboo, carmen-sandiego, awakeanddreaming, bucketofrice, eversincenewyork, only_because3, and toomucherin for all their help, advice, and encouragement. And another million thank yous to everyone who was so kind about 'Wild Horses' and wanted more from this world. 
> 
> Title and quote in the summary from 'New York' by Snow Patrol (and another thank you to do_not_confess for sending me that song months ago)

**_December, 2023_ **

Bringing a child into the world is such an ordinary thing, but yet it’s absolutely extraordinary, and Scott thinks the conversation that begins that journey again for him and Tessa is also those two opposites.

It’s two days after Christmas, the first one he and Tessa had hosted in their home for all the Moirs, and he’s heating up some leftover soup while she’s sitting on the counter watching him.

“I think we should talk about trying,” she says, criss-crossing her dangling feet.

He’s confused. Trying to what? Make a fancier meal? They’d decided on just soup and sandwiches because the last two days had been ones of overindulgence and they were both tired of cooking big meals. Trying in their relationship?! Fuck, he hadn’t thought they needed to work on anything specific, the transition to married life had been seamless, or so it seemed to him.

“Trying?” he repeats, the worry easily heard.

“For a baby, Scott,” Tessa says, looking at him with such softness in her eyes.

Oh. They hadn’t talked about that for a few months, it had come up right after they came back from their honeymoon when Tessa had got a call from her gynaecologist reminding her that her IUD was due to be removed. She hadn’t wanted to get a new one because they were planning to start a family before too long, but they had wanted some time to themselves first, especially after all the wedding planning. They’d been using condoms since then.

He pulls her in. “You’re ready to talk about it?”

Tessa tightens her arms around him. “I think I’m ready to go for it. If you are.” He nods into her shoulder before moving back a little so he can see her face. “Having your brothers and their kids here for Christmas, and watching how excited they were, was so special, and I guess I realised we didn’t have to wait for anything. I want us to have those moments with,” her eyes tear up a little, “our kids.”

“I want that too.” He puts his hands on her cheeks. “We’re ready for this, Tess.” He thinks that this was only a matter of time after they got back together. She kisses him, and it tastes so sweet. It’s soft and comforting at first but then she hooks her legs around his hips and draws him near. “You want to start right now?” They should probably turn off the stove.

She laughs. “Well, my period tracker app did say that I’m ovulating today…” She pushes him back a little, “But we should eat first. We have to keep our strength up.”

Scott goes to stir the soup quickly before returning to Tessa’s arms. “Have you got a training regime planned out for us?”

“Apparently the best way is frequent sex, if that’s something you’d be interested in.” He pretends to ponder this and she rolls her eyes at him. “We should probably get some ovulation kits next month and get serious about it, but for now I figure we can just, uh, have some fun?”

“You know, Tess, I’m a little suspicious about this.”

“Suspicious?” She’s using that kind of prim tone that makes her sound like a librarian or something.

“Yeah, you don’t have a specific plan? That doesn’t sound like you.” He reaches one hand under her thick sweater and strokes his fingers up and down her side. “Maybe you’re just sick of using condoms. I know you miss how I feel.” She had, in fact, told him this one night when she was going down on him and said that she wished he was inside her like this. He’d come so fucking hard.

She shakes her head at him, but only after biting her lip. “You are ridiculous.”

“And yet, here you are, wanting to procreate me with me.” He stretches his arms out wide and leaves her to go over to the fridge to take out the turkey, ham, and trimmings.

She gets down from the counter and joins him at the island to prepare the sandwiches. “I must really love you.” She kisses him on the cheek and then rests her head on his shoulder. Her voice becomes a little shaky, “And, judging by the evidence, we make pretty amazing kids.”

It had been left unsaid until now. He crushes her to him. “We do.”

“I’m so excited for this, no matter how long it takes, but… parts of it are going to be hard.”

“They are.” He rubs his hand over her back. “I’m going to be here for all of it, no matter what.” His voice cracks a little at the end.

“I know you are,” she says, soft and soothing. “I wouldn’t have done this with anyone else, I couldn’t have.”

“Me either. It was only ever going to be you.”

These are things they’ve told each other a thousand times now, but it feels different when they’re about to take this next step.

They’re quiet during their meal, eating it curled up together on the couch. After, when they kiss and start to undress it feels more about a need to be close than the start of an attempt to make a baby. Sex, and their relationship, are so similar and yet so different to when they were young. She’s still everything he’s ever wanted, but now there’s no fear about doing things wrong or worry that it won’t work out. They’ve put in the work and they’re here, together, ready for whatever comes their way. Her sinking down on him while he has one hand on her hip and the other in her hair is something so very ordinary, something they’ve done countless times before. And yet, it is absolutely extraordinary.

 

It takes Scott three days to notice that Tessa’s period is late. They had been a little irregular after her IUD removal but had gone back to normal fairly quickly, so this is unusual. He’s been so focused on training and travel plans for Nationals, and then Europeans for Sabine and Luc, that his internal calendar of Tessa’s cycle must have gone on the blink. The realisation comes to him at the rink and he spends the rest of the day wondering if he should go ahead and buy some tests (at one point entertaining a mad idea to ask Sabine to get them to avoid being recognised) or wait and discuss it with Tessa. He plumps for the latter option and then spends the hour before she gets home from work wandering about the house, a little worried she might be annoyed that he hasn’t brought it up yet.

He goes to meet her in the hall the second he hears the door open, and as soon as she sees him she says, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but… I’m late.” Her eyes are bright, but he can’t tell if it’s nerves or excitement.

“I only realised today, I’m sorry.”

She kisses him after she takes off her coat. “There’s no need to be sorry, it’s not your job to know! It’s probably nothing, but… it’s been three days, and I have been feeling more tired than usual, and…”

“We’ve had a lot of unprotected sex recently?”

Tessa laughs. “Yes.” She roots around in her handbag and produces a small box. “I ordered some tests from the pharmacy near the office and had them delivered, and then I drank a litre of water on the drive home, so I’m going to need you to help me open them now because I really need to pee.”

He follows her into their downstairs bathroom, opening the boxes as he goes, and it’s when he sits down on the edge of the bath that he thinks how very different this is to last time. Back then Tessa had made him sit outside while she peed and they’d barely spoken a word to each other from the moment he’d brought up the idea of buying tests. This time she hands him the tests one by one by one after she’s finished, all the time keeping up a running commentary of how each brand will show whether it’s a positive or negative. And after they don’t sit on the bathroom floor to wait but instead go upstairs to their bedroom where Tessa gets changed and he tells her all about his day.

When the timer they set on his phone goes off he pulls her down onto his lap. “We’re going to be okay either way. There’s always next month.”

“If I start my period soon you should be back from Euros right in time for ovulation.”

“And I’ll be extra ready to go after not having seen you for a week, those sperm will just be like…” He makes a rocket-like motion with his hand and regrets it immediately.

Tessa snorts. “I really don’t think it works like that, but I like your enthusiasm. I can research all the best ways to conceive while you’re away.”

“That sounds good.” He runs his nose along hers. “But we should probably go check out these tests before we plan any of that.”

Her hand is so tight in his as they make their way back down the stairs and into the bathroom. He thinks they’ve talked their way out of believing it might actually happen right now.

And then there they are – three positive tests.

Scott doesn’t realise just how much he wants this until he sees them and it feels like kissing Tessa, and hugging Katie, and winning gold.

He hugs Tessa so tight, and then loosens his hold because she’s _pregnant_ , and maybe he shouldn’t be holding her that firmly. It’s then that he notices that she seems kind of frozen.

“Tess, are you okay? This is good, right?”

“Yes, yes, of course…” She sounds like her mind is far away. “I just… I didn’t think it would happen this soon?”

“Me either.” He kisses her hair. “But it did. We’re going to be parents.” It feels incredible to say that.

But Tessa replies, “Don’t say that, not yet. There are so many things that could go wrong.”

He hates the pain in her voice. “There are. And if they do, we’ll have each other, and we’ll get through it. But right now I think we can just be happy about this.”

“It was so easy to get pregnant, what if it was too easy?” Tessa has always been very superstitious for someone who prides herself on rationality.

“I think we deserve a little easy, love, don’t you?”

She sobs then, finally. “Yes, but life doesn’t really work like that. We don’t get to have an easy go of things now just because it was so hard before.”

“And also going by that logic, just because we had an easy time getting pregnant doesn’t mean we’re going to have a hard time during the pregnancy, right? There’s no scale to balance these things out.” She frowns at him and he laughs. “Are you mad that I’m the logical one now?”

There’s a smile threatening to form on her face, “Maybe a little.” She blinks a few times, tears clinging onto her eyelashes, before saying, “But I love you.” She hugs him so close and he figures if she is okay with holding on this tight it must be okay. “We’re going to have a baby,” she whispers, soft but excited. And then she says it again, louder, with a hint of a laugh in amongst the tears, “We’re going to have a baby.” And each time she repeats that phrase it becomes more and more real.

They keep saying it to one another the rest of the evening, as they’re making dinner, and eating, and tidying up after. The living room becomes a research station as they start to look into all the things they have to plan and get ready, though it turns out they’re more prepared than they thought. Tessa casually tells him she’s been taking folic acid supplements for the past few months anyway. “I mean, our record with condoms as a single form of birth control isn’t stellar, Scott.”

Even decisions about events that seem so far away right now have been made. Tessa had called him after Jordan had her baby a little over two years ago and mentioned that if she were ever to give birth again she wanted it to be under the care of a midwife. It had been one of those moments that made him think they were moving in the right direction.

It’s when they’re talking about appointments that it sinks in for Scott that he’s going to be away for the next two weeks. “I’m so sorry I’m leaving. Are you going to be okay on your own? What if you get bad morning sickness? Maybe I can…”

“Scott, it’s fine. I had none last time, and Mom had none with any of us. I’m flying out to Halifax at the end of the week anyway, and then it will be just one week in Bratislava.”

He starts asking if she should be flying before it dawns on him that is a stupid question.

Tessa is biting her lip, he can tell she’s trying not to laugh. “I flew a lot last time, remember? And trained under Igor and Marina? And won some gold medals?” The laughter leaves her eyes and she squeezes his hand, “That didn’t have anything to do with her coming early, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I do.” From what he knew now it seemed that a young and petite Tessa was always going to be a high risk for a premature birth. “And you know just because Katie came early doesn’t mean this one will too?”

“I know that, but I’m probably still going to worry over it. If we get that far.” For right now it seems Tessa is more knocking on wood than truly anxious when making these remarks, but it’s something he feels he should keep an eye on.

He tucks some of her hair behind her ear, letting his thumb linger on her cheek. “I’m so happy, Tessa.”

“I am too.” He wonders if she’s aware how her hand looks the way it’s positioned on her stomach, like she’s cradling it. He tentatively reaches out to put his own hand over hers and she clamps it down with her other hand. “It’s kind of crazy, huh? That there could be a whole new person in there?”

“Yeah. And we made them.” He says the last sentence slowly, trying to let the words settle in.

“We seem to be very good at making babies.”

“We do.” He moves his hand across the top of the couch. “Hey, do you think it happened here?”

Tessa raises her eyebrows. “Do you think couches are our conception spot? Or do you want it to be that you knocked me up at the first opportunity?” She starts to laugh, “Those sperm were just like _zoooom_ …” She mimics the hand gesture he’d made earlier, flying her hand around before he captures it in his, interlacing their fingers and then bringing it up to his mouth to kiss.

“It was a team effort.” The phrase knocked up leaves a nasty taste in his mouth. “You and me together.”

“Like always.” Tessa begins to yawn.

“We should get you to bed.” He scoops her up in his arms.

“I can walk you know,” she tells him, not making any effort to get down as he starts moving towards the stairs.

“I know, but you’re tired, and I made a job out of lifting you.”

She holds on a little tighter, “I am tired. And happy.” He kisses the top of her head.

Fatigue is the main symptom for the next two weeks. Scott can tell how tired she is whenever he talks to her or sees her through a screen when he’s away at Nationals, and it’s even more apparent when she flies out to support him and his teams. He has a feeling Marie-France and Patrice might suspect what’s up thanks to the combination of him and Tessa drinking soft drinks the entire trip and their new-found love of early nights. They don’t mention it though, and he appreciates that.

Leaving for Europeans is difficult, but he feels a bit better about it when Tessa tells him she’s going to do more work from home so she can get extra rest. There wouldn’t be all that much he could do for her anyway, and he knows that Sabine and Luc need him too. Their transition to senior hasn’t been as smooth as they had hoped. Their first grand prix event had gone brilliantly with a finish just off the podium at Skate America, but they had skated a really disastrous free dance at home in France. It was one of those skates where everything that could go wrong did. Scott had never seen them perform so poorly at a competition. It had rattled them, and then to top things off Sabine sprained her ankle when they returned to Toronto, keeping her off the ice. French Nationals had marked a return to form, but they had been holding back, skating to prevent mistakes rather than pushing to win.

This carries over to their practices in Bratislava and during dinner afterwards he makes another attempt to get to the bottom of it. “You know, when my wife and I competed together, we found that we encountered problems when we weren’t communicating well. Do you think that might be causing you some trouble?”

The fact that they don’t laugh at the “my wife” reference is a worry in and of itself. It’s been a running joke ever since Scott went back to work after his honeymoon and had referred to Tessa as his wife so often that Sabine had asked him if he’d forgotten her name.

Luc shakes his head, but Sabine says, “I’m worried that I will mess up again and we’ll place really low. And Luc won’t admit that what happened in the free in Bordeaux was my fault.”

“Because it wasn’t,” Luc argues.

“I got base level twizzles at the beginning of the programme and it put us off!”

“I _dropped_ you.”

“It’s a good thing that you’re not putting blame on one another,” Scott intervenes. “But that doesn’t mean you have to put blame on yourself. You both made mistakes, we all do, and acknowledging that your partner made one isn’t the same as pointing the finger at them.”

They look sideways at one another and then back to him.

“How about you try and tell each other one thing the other person could improve on in practice tomorrow? Maybe start your sentence with ‘I’d like’ or ‘I’d appreciate’.”

They’re silent for almost a minute before Sabine says, “I’d like it if you could go faster in the rotational lift. Yes, you did drop me, but I’m not scared you will do it again.”

Luc nods. “I’d appreciate it if… if you let go a little more at the start of the free. Just because you went out of control on your twizzles doesn’t mean you’ll do it again.”

They smile at each other and Scott thinks that maybe they’re getting somewhere. Sabine leaves to spend time with the other girls on the French team soon after and there’s something in the way Luc watches her leave that makes Scott… wonder.

When he Facetimes Tessa that night she’s just returned from meeting Katie and Laura for coffee.

“Katie is going to come over some evening next week when you’re back. I think she needs to take her mind off waiting to hear about her college applications.”

“So she’s probably to destroy us at Scrabble again.” She is absolutely vicious.

“Yeah, we should definitely prepare to lose. I don’t think they thought anything of me not drinking something with caffeine, but I feel like Laura might figure it out with a few more hints.” She flops down on their bed. “I don’t know how I’m going to get out of drinks with Jordan, she keeps pestering me about it.”

Tessa is adamant about not telling anyone until after the first trimester. Scott definitely wants to wait until after the first scan, but he’ll go along with whatever makes her comfortable.

“And she’s already been asking if we’re trying, or when we’re going to think about starting.”

He wishes people weren’t so pushy about them becoming parents, their family at least should know that it’s a sensitive subject.

“You can blame me. Say I want to talk to you every night all night and you have no spare time. And then when I’m back you can tell her we’re too busy reuniting.”

“She knows time difference is a thing, Scott. I don’t think she’s going to buy you not sleeping so you can talk to me all night when you’re coaching at a major competition.” Tessa reaches back and takes her hair out of its ponytail, running her hands through the ends. “I do want people to know, and be excited like we are, but… I kind of like that it’s just the two of us right now. We- we didn’t have this the last time around.”

“No, we didn’t.” Kate had known almost as soon as they had.

“I like that we’re the ones making decisions.” Her hand goes to her face and it takes him a second to realise that she’s crying. “I’m sorry, I’m fine, really, I promise. It’s… it’s just so different now, and I want it to go right.”

“I wish I was with you.” He feels like crying now too, but he thinks that would just make Tessa more upset.

“You will be. Four more days.” She smiles as she wipes at her tears. “How did Sabine and Luc get on today?”

He tells her all about their practice and the discussion at dinner after, and then asks, “Do you think Luc might be into Sabine?”

Tessa sits up a little. “Really? She definitely had a crush on him when they were younger, but I think that’s passed.”

“It was just the way he was looking at her. But that would be weird, right? She’s a baby.”

“She’s eighteen and gorgeous, I think he’s going to notice. He’s only a year older than her anyway.” There’s no need for her to actually remind him that she’d been fifteen when they first started dating.

“He’s always said she’s like his sister though.”

“And you definitely said that about me.” She directs the camera away from her face, patting her stomach, the two rings on her hand glinting through the screen. “We both know how that turned out.”

“I was never convincing though.”

Tessa laughs. “It sounded pretty convincing to me. Even if Luc does have feelings for Sabine that’s not a problem. Maybe they’ll have something together at some stage, maybe they won’t. You don’t need to worry about it unless it affects their skating.” She pauses. “We have to let go of ruminations from the past and anxious thoughts for the future.” She lifts up her top and strokes her flat stomach. “They’re the size of a bean now.”

“So tiny.” He knows all about this, reading about pregnancy and the baby’s development is all he’s been doing in his spare time over here.

He puts his phone down on the pillow next to him and when Tessa brings the camera back up to her face she startles. “Have you had your shirt off this entire time?”

“I’m about to go to sleep!”

“You could have _shown_ me.”

“I mean, I thought you might want to look at my face while we talked.”

“Overrated,” she teases.

“I can’t believe you just married me for my body,” he sighs, before slowly tracking his phone all over his chest.

“It’s a very good body.”

“Are you going to touch yourself now, Tessa?” he asks huskily, taking the phone back up to his face so he can see her.

She shakes her head. “I’m waiting for you to get back.”

“Are we doing that this time?!” It’s something they’ve done before when either of them was away for work, but they hadn’t discussed it before he left, and he has definitely not been following it. He’d gotten off that morning in the shower thinking about how much better it would be if Tessa was with him.

“No,” she smiles. “I’ve just been tired and bloated and I thought I might as well wait until you come home because it’s so much better with you.”

It is so much better when they’re together. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. You should probably get to sleep, rhythm dance tomorrow.” He nods. “Sweet dreams, Scott.”

“I’ll be thinking about you.”

She blows him a kiss before ending the call.

The rhythm dance goes well, and the free even better. Sabine and Luc are still missing a bit of their edge, but they’re skating with a lot more freedom, and it results in a fifth place finish. They both go home to visit their families in France after the competition so he flies back to Toronto alone.

He’s due to arrive back on Monday evening, but thanks to delays it’s Tuesday morning when he’s unlocking the door to their house. He intends to crash the minute he gets up to the bedroom but this plan is somewhat interrupted by the fact that their bed is already occupied.

Tessa stirs when he drops his suitcase on the floor and then a huge smile spreads across her face. She starts to get up but he tells her, “No, you stay there.” He kicks off his shoes and gets in under the covers, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in the crook of her neck. “I thought you had meetings at work all morning.”

“I lied.” She strokes his hair. “I was planning on surprising you with breakfast or lingerie or something but then I fell back asleep.”

“This is perfect. You’re perfect.” He lifts his head up so he can kiss her. She still looks tired, but maybe a little more rested than she had last week. The kiss starts off gentle, but then Tessa wraps a leg around his hip, pushing him closer until he grows hard against her. “You sure you’re not too tired?”

She starts pulling off his sweater, which is probably answer enough. “I missed you so much.”

“Missed you too.” He tugs the t-shirt she’s wearing over her head and then takes off his sweatpants. Tessa grimaces when he puts his hand to her breast. “Shit, I’m sorry. Too tight?” He’d forgotten how tender they were. She nods and he starts to softly run one finger up and over the peak.

She hums. “So good.” She pushes him over so that he’s lying on his back and starts to remove his boxers, leaving kisses on his hips and thighs as she drags them down. She pulls off her own underwear then lines herself up above him.

“You’re ready?” he asks. She takes his hand and guides it between her legs. His fingers come away drenched. “Fuck, Tessa.”

“That is the plan.” She lowers herself down onto him, her eyes closed. She moves her hips slowly at first, and then a little faster, taking both his hands and placing one over each breast, showing him exactly the type of touch she needs. “I’ve been doing some research.”

“What kind of research?” He moves his hips in time with hers and watches her eyes flutter open and shut. He loves watching her like this.

“About kind of positions we should use, that will be safe for the baby and comfortable for me.”

“I like that kind of research.” He had done some of his own. “I can’t wait to see how your body changes, I can’t wait to touch you like that.”

She moves her hips faster and faster. “You’re going to want me the whole way through?”

“I’m always going to want you. You’re going to be so beautiful, Tess.” He’s been thinking about it a lot, how he’s finally going to see her properly like that.

Her breathing is becoming ragged. “I’m so close.”

“I know you are, babe.”

She comes then, and he follows right after.

He puts his hands by his sides and pushes himself up so he can kiss her.

“Welcome home.” Her smile turns into a yawn.

“Are you feeling okay?” Scott rubs his hand over her back. “Do you want to lie down for a while?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to go the bathroom first, then I’ll be back.” She kisses him again before getting up.

He’s feeling pretty tired too and is nearing sleep when she climbs back into bed and nestles into his arms. It’s good to be home.

 

February 17th was a hard day for Scott from the time he got a phone call to tell him that Tessa had given birth to a baby. A baby who was taken away to a bigger hospital that could take care of her better. And then one day he’d arrived at Tessa’s house and actually talked about what that day meant and she’d produced a cupcake and candles and all of sudden things didn’t look so bleak. They’ve kept their tradition of a cupcake and a candle (or salmon and a candle on their b2ten approved diet) for the past number of years, even after meeting Katie, but this year is different. This year Katie turns eighteen and they’ve been invited to her birthday party. In their previous two years of knowing her they had spent time together either before or after the day itself, but this year they’ll be spending it with her (and all the other party guests).

Tessa spends most of the time before they leave fretting over what to wear, and after each outfit change he tells her that she looks beautiful, because she does. He steers her towards the royal blue dress because it brings out her eyes, not due to the low neckline that highlights the new changes to her body. Later when he sees her beside Laura in ice blue and Katie in navy he thinks that they all sort of complement each other.

Katie is the first person they meet when they arrive at the house and she hugs them both and tells them how happy she is that they’re here. They don’t see that much of her for the rest of the night, she’s too busy with Jenny and the rest of her friends, but the fact that she wants them there is enough. They’re at a bit of an odd age profile at the party really, older than Katie and her friends, but younger than Laura and hers, with her boyfriend slightly bridging the gap between them, and a lot younger than Rosemary and her best friend Margot.

Scott suspects that Rosemary and Margot might be the first people to sniff out Tessa’s pregnancy. The four of them are chatting (or, more accurately, he and Tessa are listening to the older ladies divulge bridge club gossip) when Rosemary asks, “Tessa, did you put on weight just here?” indicating her own cleavage.

“I, uh….”

Rosemary turns to him. “Scott might be a better judge of that anyway. Do you think Tessa is a bit bigger here?” He really wishes she’d stop moving her hands over her breasts. His eyes dart to Tessa’s, even though he doesn’t need confirmation on this.

“I, uh…”

Rosemary smirks, looking at him and Tessa, and then back to Margot. “Interesting,” is all she says before she winks and leaves, presumably to get a refill on her gin and tonic.

“Do you think she knows?” he whispers to Tessa.

“Oh, she absolutely does.”

“Will she tell anyone?”

“Not Katie, but maybe Laura.” Tessa squeezes his hand, “It will be okay, I trust them to keep a secret.”

The cake is cut soon after and this simple act proves a lot more overwhelming than Scott had anticipated. Seeing those eighteen candles on Katie’s cake drives home that he and Tessa had a child who was now a legal adult, and yet they were only beginning that journey with another child, a child they would raise. Katie has been in this world for half of Scott’s lifetime, even more of Tessa’s, and they’ve only been part of her life for the past two years. It’s been eighteen years since he didn’t take the opportunity to see his daughter, eighteen years since he wasn’t there for Tessa when she needed him more than she ever had. In amongst all the love he feels when he watches Katie blow out her candles there’s a tinge of loss.

He knows it’s too much for Tessa too, can feel it from how tightly she’s holding his hand and the way she’s aligned her body with his, trying to get as close to him as possible. Once the cheering has died down and Laura has started to cut the cake he leads Tessa out the back door and into the garden. The frigid February air grounds him, taking him back to the present.

Tessa shivers and he puts his jacket around her. “Do you want to go back in or should I get your coat?”

“No, this is good. I need some air.” She’s trying to hold in her tears.

He places one hand on either side of her face and strokes her cheeks with his thumbs. “You should cry if you need to, Tess.”

Her face crumples then and the sobs come in unruly gasps. “I just… I’m feeling too much at once.”

“I know,” he says, trying to soothe her but also wanting her to let it out.

“We’re so lucky to be here and to get to be a part of her life, so, so lucky. Most people in our position don’t get this.” Her voice breaks more with each word, “And it’s a won- wonderful day because it was the day she came into the world, but…” She takes a deep breath. “It was the most difficult day of my life.” He draws her in closer. “And when I think about it, I- I worry about whether this time will be the same.”

“I can’t tell you that everything will work out perfectly, but I know it won’t be the same. We’re so close to the hospital, we’re going to have one of those family rooms you don’t have to leave, and you have a great midwife team… it’s going to be a totally different experience. They said there’s no reason to worry that you will go into premature labour again. And,” his throat starts to close up, “I’m going to be there, Tessa. Nothing could keep me away.”

She kisses his face, as many places as she can – his cheek, his nose, his jaw, his lips. “I know you will. You’re always there for me.” Now, he thinks, he wasn’t then.

They stand there, wrapped in each other, in silence, until he remembers. “You know, this is another anniversary too.”

“Of what?”

“Our silver in Sochi.”

Tessa barks out a laugh. “Are you trying to improve our moods with that so we can go back to the party?”

“I’m really happy we got silver. It was probably the best result we could have got.”

“Well, it was better than bronze or no medal,” Tessa says, the doubt evident in her tone.

“It meant we came back. I don’t think we would have if we’d won back then. We came back and we did things differently. We grew back together. I don’t know if we’d be here if it wasn’t for that second chance.”

“We would be.” She sounds so sure. “Maybe not right here at this exact moment, but we would have got back together, and we would have a family together. We work too hard not to make that happen, on ourselves, on our relationship… We’re here because we worked for it, and we would always have worked for this.”

The idea of them always working their way back to each other, no matter what had happened between them, is one he loves, and one that fits. He kisses her, long and deep, until they hear a door open and footsteps outside.

When they break the kiss and turn around, they find Katie and Jenny holding hands and looking like they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t. He can’t believe their daughter and her girlfriend just caught them making out at her birthday party.

“We, uh, were just coming out for some air,” Katie says.

“Us too,” Tessa replies. “At least originally.”

She’s always so much calmer about this kind of thing than he is. “I think we’ve gotten enough air for now,” he announces, and Tessa just laughs, squeezing Katie’s shoulder as they pass her on their way back inside.

“What are they going to think?!” he asks once they get back inside.

“That we love each other?”

“But…”

“It really wasn’t anything too shocking, Scott.” She’s right. She sidles closer to him and whispers in his ear, “Does this mean you won’t want to escape the party and kiss me outside when this kid turns eighteen?”

He smiles automatically. “That doesn’t sound so bad, I guess.”

“Good.” She kisses him on the cheek and they go back to join the others together.

 

A few days after their first child turns eighteen, they go to see their second for the first time. Scott is jittery on the short drive from the Cricket Club to the hospital, both from excitement and nerves. He had seen the sonograms from Tessa’s scans during her pregnancy with Katie, but he hadn’t been present for any of them. He doesn’t think he even knew that hearing the baby’s heartbeat was something he was missing out on. But maybe that was one less thing for him to be angry about back then.

He can tell that Tessa is feeling similar emotions from the way she clings on to him when they meet in the parking lot before making their way up to the clinic. She keeps playing with the bottom of the braid in her hair in the elevator. Her worries seem to have calmed since they found out they were expecting, but this is a time when those kinds of fears could be confirmed. He’s anxious too.

Their midwife, Lucia, is waiting for them at the desk. “How are you two feeling?” she asks.

They both answer with a combination of nervous and excited, Tessa leading with nervous and him with excited.

“I wish Scott could be there the whole time. I had a bunch of scans during the first pregnancy and my mom was there with me for all of them.”

“I had a feeling that might be the case.” Lucia grins, “That’s why I’m here.” A woman in scrubs comes out of the room across from them and Lucia waves her over. “Keep looking nervous,” she whispers to them before exclaiming, “Elaine! I happened to see you were down to do the ultrasound for a patient of mine and I thought I should come say hi. It’s been too long! How are the kids?”

Elaine seems suspicious of all this. “They’re good, and yours?”

“Oh fine, fine. So, this is Tessa and Scott.” They shake the ultrasound technician’s hand and she gives them a look he’s received from a few medical professionals, one that says ‘I know who you are but I’m too professional to mention it’. “Now, Tessa is feeling a little nervous about her scan, and I think it would be really helpful if she had her husband there with her for the whole thing.”

“Lucia. You know the Ontario rules on this. No other people present until after the examination, it’s a medical procedure.” She lowers her voice, “It’s the same rules for everyone.”

“I’m not asking because of… that.” Lucia motions for Elaine to open the file she’s holding and then starts whispering, he can only catch snatches of what she’s saying, something like “G2P1” and “it’s been a long time.”

Elaine looks around the corridor before saying, “You owe me two batches of brownies,” to Lucia, and then motioning for him and Tessa to go into the appointment room.

The room is quite dark, which he’d been prepared for from all the reading he’s done. Tessa sits up on the bed, rolls up her sweater, and pulls down her trousers to her hips.

“You have certainly done this before,” Elaine says, grabbing a container of gel and tissue paper from a tray.

“I had more scans than usual with, uh, my first pregnancy,” Tessa says softly, nodding towards the file. “I was young and quite petite and my doctor wanted to keep an eye on everything.”

“Lucia mentioned that that was some time ago now.” Elaine places the tissue paper over Tessa’s clothes.

“Eighteen years.” Tessa takes his hand in hers. “So, I might need a refresher, and Scott… Scott wasn’t able to come for those.”

“That’s no problem,” Elaine smiles. “Well, to start with, the gel is still cold.” Tessa laughs, and then shivers when Elaine applies some and starts to spread it over her stomach. “It’s a non-invasive procedure, we’re going to look around to see where baby is, take some measurements, and then hopefully have you take a look at them before we listen out for the heartbeat. There should be no pain, but I will have to apply some pressure to your stomach to get the images. There is no risk that we know of to you or to baby. If you have any questions just shoot.” She looks at them expectantly and they both shake their heads. “Okay, we’ll get started. I’ve been an ultrasound tech for just a bit longer than the time since your last pregnancy, so I can tell you for sure that there has been an improvement in the imaging, hopefully we might be able to get you some better quality sonograms this time around.”

Elaine starts to move the probe around Tessa’s stomach, and Tessa tightens her grip on his hand. “It might take a little while to… oh, there we go!” The screen is positioned in front of Elaine so Scott can’t see what’s she’s looking at. “Okay, I’ve taken some measurements and note of how they’re developing and now you get to say hi!”

She wheels the screen over to them and even after all the research he’s done it takes Scott a second or two to realises where he’s meant to be looking. There, in grainy black and white, is their baby. And the baby is dancing. Wiggling about and moving their miniscule arms and legs. He hears a sob rise in Tessa’s throat and it’s not until he kisses her head and leaves behind tears on her hair that he realises he’s crying too.

“A busy little bee, huh?” Elaine grins, before pointing out the head, and arms, and legs. She prints off some images for them to take home and Scott thinks of the old ones they have of Katie in a box in their wardrobe.

While Elaine prepares to listen for the heartbeat Tessa smiles up at him, her eyes shining so brightly. “They were dancing!” she whispers, and he nods, bending down to kiss her.

A sound fills the room then, fast and steady, and Scott thinks it’s the best sound he’s ever heard, other than the laugh-cry that’s accompanying it.

“I forgot how fast it was,” Tessa says. It sounds like horses galloping.

“It’s a lot faster than an adult’s heart rate.” Elaine drops her voice to a whisper, “But it’s just right for now. Nice and strong.”

As she’s helping Tessa clean off the gel afterwards she says, “Now, if anyone asks you were in here alone first and then we called Scott in,” before winking. She leaves the room to let Tessa get dressed again.

After he helps Tessa hops off the bed, he wraps her into his arms. “That was amazing,” he says.

“Wasn’t it?! It feels so much more real now.” She takes one of his hands and places it over her stomach. “There’s a little person moving about in here right now, and we got to see them and hear their heartbeat.” There is so much awe in her voice, and it’s what he’s been feeling ever since he saw their baby. “It scared me, those first scans, last time. It was like it didn’t feel like it was happening to me. But now… this feels so right.”

He hugs her again. “So right,” he echoes. He can’t even begin to try and express how good it feels to have been able to witness this, to get to see and hear their baby as they grow inside her. “I love you so much, Tessa.”

“I love you, too.”

Their appointment with Lucia is a short one. She talks them through the ultrasound, confirming that the baby appears to be healthy and growing well, and then takes some blood, and discusses their upcoming appointments.

As soon as they arrive home, they take out the sonograms and just stare at them, trying to absorb every little detail about their baby that is available to them. Scott thinks the pictures are some of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen.

 

They make good use of the sonograms when telling people their news once the pregnancy reaches the twelve-week mark.

The first people they tell are his parents and Kate. They invite them over for dinner, telling them it’s because he wants to spend some time with them before he heads off with his teams to Junior Worlds the following week. After having a drink in the living room (Tessa on sparkling water with lemon slices), they lead them into the dining room where an envelope with each of their names waits on the table.

His dad and Kate react first, his dad getting up and wrapping him into the tightest hug, while Kate starts to cry. Tessa goes over and embraces her, and it’s not long until he can hear her sobs too.

His mom is unusually quiet, simply staring at the sonogram, until he rests his hand on her shoulder and she pulls him down into her arms. “I’m so happy for you two. I can’t… I’m so unbelievably happy,” she whispers.

“Me too, Ma.”

Scott’s glad the dinner will keep because the next hour is lost to questions about how Tessa is feeling, when the baby is due, if they were trying, as well as so many hugs. Kate tells him that she’s been hoping for this day for a long time, and it feels like an apology and a blessing wrapped into one.

After their parents have left (and their moms have admitted they were both a little suspicious but hadn’t wanted to get their hopes up), they start to compose a message to their siblings. Tessa wants to keep it simple, with just a photo of the sonogram and the due date of September 19th, but Scott feels they should at least have an introductory line. “Just something like ‘Coming Soon, Baby…’” It’s then that he realises they haven’t actually discussed what the baby’s surname will be. “Virtue-Moir?”

Tessa shakes her head. “Baby Moir.”

“You’re sure you don’t want both our names?” She’s kept her maiden name professionally, but sometimes introduces herself to people as Tessa Virtue-Moir.

“Positive. I’d like Virtue as a second name, like I have McCormick, but I want them to be able to be themselves, not be immediately associated with us.” He guesses that the questions would be inescapable in some places. “And…” She rests her head on his shoulder, “On the few times when I was younger that I let myself think about… what might have been, or what could happen if we worked things out… In my head our babies were always Moirs.”

He kisses her forehead. “Baby Moir it is.”

Their phones blow up with messages right after they hit send, short, excited ones in the group chat, and then later some longer, more thoughtful ones sent to just the two of them.

“I think I’ll send that message to my dad, too,” Tessa says as they’re about to go upstairs to bed.

“You’re sure you don’t want to call him?” he asks gently. They’ve seen him a bit more often since the wedding.

“I know that if I try all that will be in my head are the things he said last time.” She reaches for a tissue. “And telling people should be happy, I don’t want to taint that.”

Jim sends a nice message about how happy he is to hear the news with no mention of the previous pregnancy and subsequent adoption, and Scott thinks that maybe that’s for the best.

Katie might be the person they’re most nervous about telling. The idea of them having more children is one they’ve never discussed with her, though he doesn’t think it will come as a surprise. They’re both a little concerned that she might think they’re going to be less interested in being involved in her life after they have a new baby, though that couldn’t be further from the truth. Scott can hardly imagine his life without her in it. She visits the day after they tell the rest of their family with exciting news of her own.

“I got accepted by the University of Toronto!” she tells them the minute she gets in the door, waving her hands with excitement.

They both hug her immediately, Tessa murmuring about how proud she is and Scott trying to tell her ‘well done’ in every possible way. He can’t quite believe she’s going to university next year.

When they let her go he can see that Tessa is tearing up and he pulls her into his side. “Are you going to accept right away or do you want to wait on other schools?” he asks.

“I’m going to wait to hear back from McGill, but… I really loved U of T when I went to visit, and they have such interesting courses, and, uh, I don’t know if I want to move again right now.” Tessa reaches out and squeezes her hand. “And Jenny got into Ryerson! But she won’t hear back from Northwestern until next month and it’s her dream school, so, I don’t know what she’s going to do.” The enthusiasm has faded from her voice a little.

Scott doesn’t know what advice he’s meant to offer her. Being in a different location to his first love had never really been the problem.

Tessa puts her arm around Katie and leads her into the living room. “Tell us all about finding out you got in.”

Katie does so, every detail, and it almost feels like they were there when she opened the email. She blushes when she finishes, “I’ve just been talking about the whole time, is there anything new with you two?”

Tessa looks at him expectantly. “Well, we actually have something we’d like to tell you,” he begins, and then finds he’s not quite sure of the best way to put it.

“We’re going to have a baby,” Tessa says, her voice soft and full of hope.

“I knew it!” Katie squeals, hugging Tessa first and then him.

“You did?” he asks.

“Oh, it was obvious. Tessa wasn’t drinking any caffeine, and she looked more tired than usual, no offence.” Tessa booms out a laugh. “And at my party neither of you had anything to drink, and… you’ve just been extra happy lately, I guess.”

“And here I thought we were being subtle,” Tessa says.

Katie laughs, and then becomes quiet. “This baby is so lucky.”

“It is?” There’s a crack in Tessa’s voice.

And Katie’s too. “Yeah. You two- you’re going to be amazing parents.”

They both hug their daughter, his hand in Tessa’s across her back, tears coming down their cheeks, and it feels like the best reaction they could ever have received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you think, you can leave a message either here or [on tumblr](https://iwantthemtostay.tumblr.com/)


	2. the second trimester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very lucky to have great friends who have great eyes and better insights - thank you so much to M, carmen-sandiego, do_not_confess, peacefulboo, awakeanddreaming, only_because3 and sinkingsidewalks for their help with this. Extra special thanks to only_because3 for going beyond the call of duty and fact-checking me on my own fic.
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains two conversations which touch on infertility and struggles with conceiving.

**_March 2024_ **

It isn’t until about week fourteen that Tessa’s waist starts to really thicken. She notices it when she’s changing from her work clothes into skating gear before going to spend time helping out Scott with Sabine and Luc before they head off to their first senior Worlds. Her stomach doesn’t have that tell-tale bump yet, but it’s definitely bigger than normal. She had hated getting fatter last time, but now she welcomes it. When she was younger it had felt like her body had been taken over, but now, even though there’s a whole other life inside her calling the shots, she doesn’t think she’s ever felt more in control, more comfortable in her own skin. They had chosen to make this baby, and every confirmation that they’re growing well is to be celebrated. Maybe she’ll feel differently when she gets to the waddling stage, but right now she feels amazing.

“You’re getting big and strong in there,” she says, rubbing her stomach while she looks in the mirror. It’s the first time she’s spoken aloud to the baby and she feels a little silly about it, she knows they won’t begin to hear until maybe next week, possibly later. It reminds her that she needs to take down the shoebox with their scant mementos from her pregnancy with Katie so that she can give Scott the piece of them that she’s sending with him to Worlds.

Her fatigue has completely lifted, so much so that she feels almost overly energetic, like she’s brimming with it. She makes the short walk to the rink instead of driving, knowing that she’ll still have enough strength to help out on ice and then skate with Scott after.

Tessa had spent a lot of time at the rink the previous week when Scott had been away at Junior Worlds. Mitch was a great coach and Sabine and Luc liked working with him, but it had been the flow of the choreography that was proving tricky. Tessa had helped David Wilson out with it initially and knew them from when they were juniors, so they had all decided that she should be the one to step in. They had been the only students Scott had shared the baby news with before he left and they’d both been so sweet and excited. However, Luc had seemed to think that Tessa’s pregnancy made her into some sort of invalid who had forgotten how to skate and was awfully concerned every time she stepped onto the ice. It had taken a gentle reminder that she actually did know what she was doing to get him to calm down.

Now, though, he seems delighted to see her. “Tessa!” he calls when she skates onto the ice. “Are you here for our last run-through?”

She nods, and Scott says, “You two take a water break, I’m going to go talk to my wife.”

It’s been nine months, but the thrill she gets when he refers to her like that still hasn’t quite worn off. She knows it’s a bit of a joke with Sabine and Luc because he apparently went way too far with it at the beginning, but she has a tendency to do the same, availing of any opportunity to mention him as her husband.

“How are they doing?” she asks when he reaches her.

“Good, I think they’re ready.” He kisses her on the cheek. “How was work?”

“Busy. We were going through the responses from the focus groups on the self-esteem programme and then I had those MBA students come in to visit.” They were all interested in working in the non-profit sector and towards the end of the meeting Tessa had floated the idea that there might be a temporary position coming up with the organisation, not going as far as specifying that it would be because of her upcoming maternity leave. A more fixed-term position was a possibility too, she’s still unsure as to what she wants her work situation to be like after the baby comes.

“Any good potential candidates?”

“They all have much more experience than I had when I started.” It had been almost intimidating.

“But they need to be as passionate about the work as you are, that’s important too.”

She hugs him, and then they watch Sabine and Luc skate their free. The flow feels a lot better now, organic rather than them working through one element after another. There’s more freedom to their movement, like they have nothing to fear. She gives them a few pointers about keeping their arms soft, and makes them promise to keep in contact when they’re away. She would love to be going too, but she wants to get as much done at work now while she can, and even though she had known her fatigue was likely to lift after the first trimester a flight to Japan had seemed an insurmountable task when they’d been making the decision.

After Sabine finally lets her go and she and Luc head off to finish (or perhaps begin) their packing, Scott goes to put on some music for them to skate to. They’ve been revisiting a lot of their old programmes in the past few weeks, although skating simplified versions at a much more sedate pace. The only lifts they’re doing now are incredibly easy ones, always with her stomach carefully protected by his body. She thinks they could afford to be a little more adventurous at this point when she’s still so fit and agile, but she knows how much he worries about keeping her and the baby safe. He’s been so understanding of her own anxieties around this pregnancy that she would never push him on his.

“Tess?” He sounds hesitant. “How would you feel about skating to that piece from _Up_?”

“I’d like that.” She manages to get the words out even though her throat is burning a little. “I’d really like that.”

‘Married Life’ fills the rink and he skates over to her, lifting her up so gently and slowly twirling around before setting her back on the ice and putting his hands to her stomach. It isn’t quite the choreography they’d performed back in 2012, but it’s a lot more meaningful now that it’s real. She remembers the original choreography better than any of their other show numbers, it’s seared into her brain because she had to focus on each movement so much in order to avoid thinking about what it all signified. Something they hadn’t experienced together when they had the chance, and something that back then she thought they never would. They were pretending a happiness that they’d been denied, and each night it felt like her heart was being pulled out of her chest. When the idea had first been suggested she’d been so tempted to ask Kaitlyn to swap segments with them, but had been afraid it would draw too much attention to the situation. Back then she hadn’t known that Scott was in as much pain as she was. But there had been things that made her wonder. He’d been standoffish during shows, and more irritable than usual, not just with her, but with everyone. On the last night, as they were in the tunnel waiting to perform that piece, he’d snapped at one of the crew members over something so stupid, where her skate guards were maybe. She suggested doing their pre-competition hug to help him calm down and after his eyes were wet, and wistful maybe. Or could that have just been her? They’d kept going because it was what was expected of them, and they never wanted to let anyone down.

But now they’re skating to this music and they’re really married with a baby on the way. Scott can put his hands on her stomach whenever he wants and she can skate when pregnant because it doesn’t matter if people notice, everyone is going to know that they’re parents. She had missed skating so much last time – more or less everything that made up her life was gone and she’d just been waiting to say goodbye, but now she gets to keep all she has and gain something even more. All with Scott by her side.

Her tears come when the music ends, but they’re happy ones. “We’re going to have a baby,” she whispers as he wipes the tears from her cheek with his thumbs.

“We are.” His voice is so quiet, but so certain. “We made it.”

When they get home she asks him to fetch the shoebox from the top of the wardrobe. At the bottom, underneath her hospital bracelet and the sonograms both she and Scott had saved, lies the old copy of _Goodnight Moon_ she used to read to Katie. She takes it out and places it in his hands.

“The baby should be able to hear in the next week or so, all going well. And… I thought it would be good to read to them, like I used to with Katie.”

He kisses her forehead. “I think I’ve been looking forward to this ever since we took it from the cottage.”

She has too. “I thought you could take it with you to Nagano, so you could have a piece of us with you seeing as I’m not going.” She moves her hand up and down his arm. “We could read it to the baby together over the phone, I think I still remember it by heart.”

“You want me to do it too?” He sounds surprised.

“Yes, of course.” It hadn’t been a question in her mind.

“I guess… I knew that was your special thing with Katie and I thought you might want it to be that way again.” He rests his forehead on hers.

She tightens her grip on his arm. “I want it to be _our_ thing. I want this baby to know your voice as well as it knows mine, from the very beginning.”

“I want that, too.” His voice is shaky. “I just- I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him or her.”

“It feels weird at first, but then you get used to it.” It had been second nature to her by the end. “We can start with the book.” Scott runs his finger over the faded title.

“In the great green room…” she begins.

He opens the board book and finds the next line, “There was a telephone.” He seems a little unsure, but relaxes as they answer each other back and forth until the story flows as it should.

Tessa finds herself becoming emotional at the end when she thinks about how much better it sounds with the two of them. “We’re going to be reading this story for a long time, you’ll probably know it off by heart, too.” Hopefully in the next few months they’ll be reading it to their baby lying in their arms, out here in the world with them. It still feels a little surreal sometimes, that the tiny being inside her will grow into an infant, one she can see and touch and hold and love.

“I probably will, but I’ll keep it with me for now.” He tucks it against his chest and she leans in to kiss him.

 

Tessa goes to stay with Alma and Joe the night before the free dance. If she can’t be there to support Scott she wants to be able to watch it with their family. The time difference means that it’s on very early in the morning Ontario time, and she’s happy for more than just the usual reasons that Sabine and Luc skated well, as they finished tenth in the rhythm dance and will skate in the penultimate group.

It’s the first time she’s ever stayed in his room on her own, one of the few times she’s ever stayed in their house actually, and it feels a little strange as she’s unpacking and then getting ready for bed. She wonders about how many nights he’d spent here thinking about her, while she’d been lying in her own bed dreaming about him. And when she thinks about that it’s only natural that she ends up touching herself on his old sheets. And then it’s only wifely that she should send him photos of this, she knows he’s missing her after all.

Scott calls just as she’s coming down from her orgasm. “ _Tessa_.” It’s like she can feel his hoarseness all over. “I came up to my room for five minutes before lunch so I could phone you to read a wholesome story to our unborn child, I was not expecting those pictures.”

“Did you like them?” she asks, still catching her breath a little.

“Please turn on video so you can see me rolling my eyes at that being a question.”

She fulfils his request, but he doesn’t roll his eyes when he sees her, just smiles and says, “You’re so beautiful.”

“More like so tired,” she says before yawning.

“Are you feeling okay?” He’s so concerned.

“Not like before,” she reassures him, “I think it was just the drive here after work.”

“My mom’s taking good care of you, right?”

“Of course she is. She made chocolate cake and she left a big glass of water in the room for if I get thirsty during the night. How are Sabine and Luc feeling?”

“Good, not as nervous as I thought.” She yawns again. “How about we read the story now and then you can get some sleep? We can talk more in your morning after the free dance.”

She nods, and then places her phone down by her stomach. Scott begins the story and she joins in at the start, but after a few lines her eyes become so heavy. She falls asleep to his voice echoing around the room.

Getting up the next morning is a struggle, and she’s very glad Alma and Joe won’t care about her coming downstairs looking like she just rolled out of bed (which she has).

Alma fusses about her, making toast and buttering it the exact way she likes, while the first two teams in Sabine and Luc’s group skate. All three of them are silent as the camera cuts to Scott giving them some final advice at the boards and then as the programme begins, until they all let out a huge sigh of relief after the twizzles go well. Brilliantly really, as does the rest of the free dance. They don’t look like this is their first trip to senior Worlds, they appear so assured and in control.

Tessa claps along with the crowd when the music ends and then starts tearing up as she watches Sabine jumping up and down on the ice and Luc crashing his arms around her and then twirling her about. Scott is equally excited when they rejoin him, and they all laugh when the playback features a clip of him fist pumping after an element. Sabine is still so animated in the kiss and cry, waving to the camera and listing off greetings to her family back in France and her host family in Toronto, and then, “And Tessa!! We love you, Tessa!” Scott blows her a kiss as Sabine says this and Tessa, stupidly, blushes, and then laughs when Sabine turns to him and reminds him that she’s talking about his wife.

The score is a personal best and it ends up as the seventh-best free dance score of the event, lifting them up to eighth place overall. Within a few minutes of the competition ending Tessa receives a video call from Sabine.

“Hi Tessa!! We wanted to thank you for helping us out last week! Did the free dance look good? It felt great!” Sabine is jolting the phone back and forth so that one second it’s just her in the frame, then Luc, and then sometimes the two of them. Her English has become more and more Canadian, but right now it’s as strongly accented as when she first arrived.

“You were amazing. The best I’ve ever seen you skate it. I’m so proud of you, I wish I was there.”

“How are you feeling?” Sabine and Luc ask at the same time.

“Good. Tell me more about…”

Sabine disappears from the frame and Tessa can just about hear her calling, “Scott, your wife is on the phone!”

His face fills the screen next, beaming but not saying anything as he moves through a crowded room and then to somewhere quieter. “How are you? Did you enjoy your bedtime story last night?”

“I slept very well. Your parents are here,” she says quickly, just in case he wants to reminisce about what she was doing before that. She motions for Alma and Joe to come closer to her so they can see him too.

“Hi Scott!” Alma waves. “Sabine and Luc were fantastic, you must be so happy.”

“They couldn’t have done any more, I can’t ask for anything else.” He looks so proud. Tessa knows he cares so much about all his teams, but there’s always been something special about his relationship with Sabine and Luc.

“They made Tess and your mom cry,” Joe informs him.

“It’s not that hard to make Tess cry right now.”

She frowns at him, even though she can’t exactly argue with this. “I cried at ads about rescue dogs before I got pregnant.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t cry at ones for laundry detergent.”

“It had an emotional storyline!” The little girl had got permanent marker all over the dress she was meant to wear to the prize-giving at a science fair.

Scott turns his head and then refocuses back on her. “I think Sabine wants her phone back, I can call you after?”

“You go spend time with them and celebrate. You can phone again before you go to bed, I’m going to be here for the day.”

“You should stay tonight too, Tessa. Give yourself more of a break before making that drive again.” It's a suggestion, but a firm one, from Alma.

“That sounds like a good idea,” Scott agrees. “I’ll talk to you again later, okay?”

“Talk to you then. Love you!”

Joe goes to get ready for work after Scott hangs up while Alma heads to the kitchen to make tea. Tessa thinks a little caffeine will be fine, Lucia keeps assuring her it’s okay as long as she doesn’t overdo things.

She curls up on the couch after Alma hands her the warm mug and settles down beside her.

Alma squeezes her knee. “Did you sleep well last night or did you just say that to Scott so he wouldn’t worry?”

“I really did! I will admit to downplaying the symptoms a little when he was away at Euros, but I really have been fine this time.” It’s been a lot easier to have him away this time and when he was away for Junior Worlds.

“Good. My second trimesters were always a lot easier than the first.”

She feels more like herself than she had just after they found out. “Yeah, and I feel more relaxed about things now, like I can allow myself to be excited.” She knows there are still so many things that could happen, but seeing the baby and hearing their heartbeat had settled something inside her.

“I’m so glad you can enjoy this.”

Tessa knows she’s referring to more than just the second trimester. “I can’t wait to feel this baby move, and- and for Scott to feel it too.” Alma had been the only one who wanted to last time, apart from Jordan at the very end. It feels so natural to discuss this pregnancy with her, they’ve done it all before. She had been the only person who talked about Katie like a baby, a baby who was a part of her and Scott. Her mom wants to talk about this baby all the time, Jordan says she’s acting like this is her first grandchild, not her seventh (Tessa had reminded her that it’s her eighth). Tessa knows she’s probably trying to make up for how things had been before, but it’s too much. It feels like a betrayal of Katie to indulge her mom. Her worry about how that pregnancy would affect Tessa didn’t necessitate her ignoring the baby at the centre of it.

“That’s going to be… so special.” Alma dabs at her eyes and it’s not long before Tessa finds herself doing the same. She can’t wait to see the look on his face.

“And I’m looking forward to you being there for that, too. And…” she takes some breaths, “to you being there in the hospital with us afterwards. And seeing you hold the baby.”

Alma pulls her in and hugs her so securely. It’s a different kind of safety to being held by Scott, but it has a similar warmth. “I’ve been hoping to get to see you with a baby of your own in your arms for so long. I couldn’t help dreaming that it would be my grandchild, but I would have wanted to come visit and meet your baby no matter what.”

“Thank you,” Tessa murmurs. It’s impossible for her to think of any scenario where she became a mom without having Scott alongside her, but if it had somehow happened she thinks that Alma would have been a grandma to that child all the same.

“I’m very happy that this is how it’s happening though.” Alma is half-laughing, half-sobbing.

“Me too.” It feels like the perfect time.

 

The next week, after Scott has returned home and they’re returning to the rhythm of the off-season, Tessa gets her wish to feel the baby move.

She’s sitting up in bed rubbing the oil that is meant to help prevent stretch marks around her growing stomach, slightly distracted by the memories of ten minutes ago when she was sitting at the edge of the bed with Scott on his knees in front of her. And then there’s this bubbling feeling inside her. It’s soft and delicate, but she knows exactly what it is.

She wants to call out to Scott and tell him immediately, but the shower is still running and if she shouts loud enough for him to hear her he’s going to think that something is wrong. So for this moment it’s just the two of them.

“Hi baby,” she says, placing her hands to the left of her abdomen where she can feel the movement. “I’m your mom.” She gets to say those words now. This is really happening. She has something tangible to tie to all those dreams and plans, this bubbling inside her will become bolder and stronger until she can feel feet and hands through her skin, and, then, finally, skin on skin when she holds her baby. “I love you so, so much. Your daddy and I… we just adore you. We want you to stay in there until you’re big and strong, but once you do come we’re going to be ready to take care of you. We’re so excited to meet you properly.” She closes her eyes and just takes it in.

“Tess, love, are you okay?” Scott asks a minute or so later. He puts one hand over hers and the other on her face, caressing her cheek.

She opens her eyes to see that he’s just in a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair still dripping wet. “I’m perfect. The baby is moving.”

His mouth falls open and his eyes light up as bright as she’s ever seen them, his gaze dropping from her face to her stomach and back up again. “Right where our hands are?”

“Right there.” She lifts her hands and places his directly on her stomach above where the baby is still dancing.

“What does it feel like?” His voice is quiet, almost solemn, and filled with wonder.

“Like bubbles.” She takes a deep breath. “It’s exactly like it was before.” He kisses her, grounding her to this room and this baby. She lays her head on his shoulder, looking down at his hand on her stomach. “I used to think it was like… did we ever blow bubbles from those little plastic containers together? Outside your house maybe?”

He rubs her back. “Could it have been outside the rink? I think my mom used to hand them out at summer camp sometimes.”

“Maybe,” she allows. “It was hot for sure. Up on the grass?”

“Yes! We used to run about and you were sad that the bubbles never lasted as long as you wanted!”

She holds on tighter. “I kept remembering that when I felt Katie move like this at the start. Us when we were small on a perfect summer day.”

Scott lifts her head gently, kissing her again before lowering his face to her almost-bump, removing his hand and kissing the space it vacated. “Hey there, little one. Are you having a good time?” He sounds so at ease talking to the baby right now, anytime he’d tried before it had been like he was afraid he was saying the wrong things. “You’ve really lucked out you know. You have the best mama.”

“And the best dad.”

Scott looks up at her, “Maybe we should wait and see about that one.”

Tessa takes his hand in hers. “Why would you say that?”

“Just… I haven’t done it before.”

“I know, but you’re so good with all our nieces and nephews, and every other kid I’ve ever seen you with.” And he’s wonderful with Katie. “I know you’re going to be a great dad. I’ve never been surer of anything. We’re not going to be perfect at this, but we’re the best parents for this baby.”

He kisses her, firmer than before, and she hugs him close, their baby still moving about nestled in between them.

 

They find out they’re having a boy on a nondescript Wednesday afternoon. They had both wanted to know, but had been more concerned about finding out if the baby is healthy and growing well. They have the same ultrasound technician as at their last appointment and she whispers that everything looks great even though she’s not supposed to before asking if they want to know the sex which she isn’t meant to tell them either.

It hadn’t been like last time when Tessa had felt she knew from the beginning that the baby was a girl. This time she hadn’t had a feeling one way or another, but when she’s told they’re going to have a son it doesn’t feel like a surprise. It feels absolutely right. She cries, and Scott cries too. They’re going to have a little boy who will probably look just like his dad, a little boy they’ll love and care for, and teach to be kind and caring, one who might love to skate or to dance or to play soccer or hockey or anything he wants. They’re going to be there for all of it.

They tell people as they meet them over the next few days, Jordan and her husband that evening at dinner at her house, Scott’s parents the next day when they come to see the renovations to the changing rooms at the rink, Katie that Friday when they visit her at home.

Her mom comes over at the weekend and she shows her the new sonograms while Scott makes them tea. “A boy!” she repeats when Tessa tells her. “A beautiful little boy.”

“I think he has that mischievous Moir streak. He loves to move right when I’m about to fall asleep.” It’s almost like he knows that’s when her and Scott’s attention will be totally devoted to him.

“Katie moved around a lot, didn’t she?”

She’s surprised that her mom is bringing that up. She’s usually entirely focused on the present and the baby Tessa’s carrying now. “She did.”

“Is it…” Her mom frowns and starts again, “Do you think it helps that you’re having a boy this time? To make things feel more different?”

“Yes,” she admits, responding faster than she has time to think of what to say next. “I think I… I think we both felt a little… relief? That this could be something entirely new.” They would have loved to be expecting a daughter, she wants a little girl in the future, but there is something… freeing maybe, in this obvious departure from the first pregnancy. It’s a reminder of how different things are now, that this is a completely new situation and that maybe they don’t have to compare every little thing.

Her mom takes her hand and squeezes it. “I want things to be new and different for you both. I, I let you down last time.”

It’s not a point Tessa is going to argue or provide false comfort over. She had let them down. She might have been doing what she thought was best, but it had hurt them. Tessa has these moments sometimes, when she wakes up in the middle of the night with her hand on her stomach, her other hand immediately hunting for Scott just to make sure that he’s there, that she’s not back in the cottage alone. Half of the time she doesn’t even need to search, he’s already right at her back or has an arm draped over her or a leg wrapped around hers. But even then there’s still a second where she wonders.

“You were there afterwards,” is what she says in the end. She doesn’t know how she could have made it through those weeks and months without her mom as superglue, holding her up and keeping her together.

They’re quiet then, Tessa rubbing her bump while her mom watches. She’s not surprised when she feels the baby move, he’s been getting more and more active lately, but it does come as a little shock when she feels him against her hand. She had known this moment should be coming soon, but it still takes her unaware and makes her heart beat so fast.

“Scott!” she calls. “Scott! The baby is kicking!”

“Really, Tessa?” her mom asks. She’s holding her hands tightly together and Tessa thinks she’s probably itching to reach out and touch. But Scott needs to be the first person to feel his baby move.

He comes in carrying a tray with the tea cups and a plate of slices of lemon cake. She lets him put that down before she says, “I can feel him through my skin!”

Scott kneels down beside her and she lifts her blouse so that he can put his hands on her bare skin. The kicks had felt faint to her hands through the fabric. She positions his hands to where she’d felt the movement, and they wait. He doesn’t say anything but she can feel how excited he is from the way his hands are shaking ever so slightly.

It’s a few minutes before Scott says, “It’s okay if you’re tired out, buddy. All that action must take it out of you.” He rubs her stomach reassuringly.

“Just wait a little longer,” she tells him.

It happens right before she’s going to say that it will happen again soon, their son’s tiny leg firmly reaching out, stronger than before. She knows Scott feels it too because his face falls straight to her bump, kissing it before looking back up at her. “It’s- it’s amazing,” he says, his eyes so wide and teary.

“The most incredible feeling,” she agrees, sobbing now too. It’s even more incredible getting to share it with him.

“That’s… that’s our baby, Tess.”

“It is. It really is.” He rises up to kiss her, his hands still on her stomach. She puts hers to his face and tries to make him feel all the things she can’t quite say right now – how much she’s wanted this moment, and how happy she is that it’s finally, finally here.

Her world has narrowed to herself, the baby, and Scott, and it isn’t until after they stop kissing that she remembers her mom is right here with them. She turns to find her looking teary-eyed but proud, like she’s been watching over them with love.

Tessa looks to Scott, who nods, and then asks, “Do you want to see if you can feel him too?”

Her mom hesitates. “Are you sure?”

Tessa takes one of her mom’s hands and places it beside Scott’s. It only takes a minute this time for him to move again and her mom starts crying in earnest then.

All of the emotions are overwhelming, both her own as well as Scott’s and her mom’s, but the baby’s movement keeps her focused. They’re all here in this moment together, on the same page, and while the wounds still exist, maybe this can help with healing. Three people who’ve been broken and helped put each other back together.

 

While Tessa and Scott’s lives are marked with beginnings, early summer brings endings for Katie as she graduates from high school. They plan to watch the ceremony online (there hadn’t been enough tickets, and Tessa has a suspicion that some people might have thought they shouldn’t be there), using the large television in the living room for maximum effect, but they end up watching on her laptop in their bedroom.

They’d been preparing things downstairs when Tessa had started to feel breathless. She knows it’s just her ribcage expanding to make room as the baby grows, but it’s unpleasant all the same. Scott tells her she needs to rest up and she doesn’t argue, letting him lead her upstairs and build up a mountain of pillows before he helps her onto the bed.

As they wait for the ceremony to begin Scott puts his head to her bump and speaks to their baby. “You need to go easy on Mama, okay? She’s working so hard to make sure that you grow big and strong.” She strokes his hair, the silver sparkling up at her among the dark brown. “Today is an exciting day because we’re going to watch Katie graduate and then we’re going to her house for a party. You have a very clever big sister. You might be good at school too, or you might be good at other things. As long as you try your best we’re going to be proud of you.”

“We love you so much,” Tessa adds. They’re not sure yet about how they’re going to describe Katie’s role in their life to their son as he grows up. They can’t tell him he has a sister and expect him not to talk about her, so they may have to wait until he’s older to explain how everything came to be. For now they can stick with sister.

It’s a very nice ceremony, with lovely music from the school orchestra and choir and short, warm addresses from the principal and an alumna who’s now a doctor researching malaria. Jenny is the valedictorian and Tessa is a little surprised with how assured she is speaking in front of a big crowd when meeting them had made her so nervous. But she knows how scary meeting certain people can be. Her speech hits all the right notes, talking about bringing all the things they’ve learned with them on the next steps of their journey. She ends with a quote about how she’s going to carry the experience in her heart and never be without it, and Tessa thinks that’s a very romantic poem to be referencing when talking about high school. It might make sense if speaking directly to someone in the audience however.

They have to wait until nearly the end for Katie to receive her diploma. Tessa can tell how nervous she is from the way her hands are tightened as she walks across the stage. Scott is the first one to start crying, or maybe she only notices that she is when she hears him sobbing and he pulls her in closer to him. Maybe it is for the best that they’re at home and don’t have to hide how they’re feeling. They’re so proud of her, and so fortunate that they get to see this, to be a part of her life. She can’t wait to hug her later.

It’s after the ceremony ends and she’s about to start getting ready for the party when a text from Jordan finally arrives. Her mom and Scott’s parents had watched the ceremony too, and their brothers had all sent messages yesterday or earlier in the day telling them to pass on their congratulations to Katie and saying they’d be thinking of them.

“Have fun at the party!” she reads aloud, before dropping her phone on the bed and joining Scott in the ensuite. He turns on the tap for her when she reaches the sink and she begins washing her face.

“Jordan?” he asks.

She nods, water dripping from her face. “That’s all she said. Not a mention of what the party was for, or that there might be more going on for us than just having a good time.” Tessa thinks it’s always been this way. Her sister used to try and make her go out and meet new people, or tell her she’d fall in love again, or when she gave up on that tell her to get back with Scott, but she’s never been comfortable discussing the adoption or how Tessa feels about it. “I thought it would be easier after she had Owen, that she might understand more, but it hasn’t.” If anything, it’s worse. She’s met Katie a bunch of times and been nothing but kind to her, but she seems to approach Tessa and Scott’s relationship to their biological daughter as if she really is the cousin in the cover story they tell to relatives.

Scott hands her a fluffy white towel and she pats her face dry. “Have you thought about trying to talk about that with her again?” Anytime she’s tried she can’t quite get the words out.

“Sometimes I think I don’t want to know. She’s either just bad at discussing difficult things, which is fine I guess, or… Or she doesn’t understand how much we love Katie.” Tessa doesn’t know how she could make her understand, is it not be obvious from the way they talk about her?

Scott pulls her close and she relaxes into him, or at least as much as she can now she’s bigger. It’s getting clearer to everyone that she’s expecting and she’s seen a few comments online about how she’s looking different and wearing baggy clothes. They’re going to make an announcement soon but they haven’t figured out the best way to go about it. She’s had to go shopping for maternity wear in the past few weeks and it’s one of her new purchases that she’s wearing to the party today. It’s loose and flowy so that it skims her bump unless she holds the material to her stomach, and then the pregnancy becomes immediately obvious.

That’s how she’s standing before the mirror when she feels the baby’s hands moving inside her. It’s like being tickled and it makes her smile every time, even when she’s trying to get to sleep. “Hi there,” she places her hands over his, “are you excited to go to this party? I can’t wait until you’re big enough to meet all the people we’re going to see there properly.” Katie had felt him move last week, and that had already been so emotional. Tessa doesn’t know what it’s going to be like to see her hold him.

Scott tucks his head into the side of her neck and puts his hands over hers. “We’re going to see some people we love very much… and one we hate.”

“Scott!” Tessa scolds. “He doesn’t need to be introduced to the concept of hate. And you don’t hate Graham. You hate what he did.” They’d met him the previous year when he was in Toronto for business and to see Katie. They went out to dinner with them and it had been somewhat awkward and stilted, but fine overall. She just couldn’t ever see them clicking with him the way they did with Laura.

“I really hate what he did. Who leaves their wife of over twenty years and their teenage daughter to start a new family? I don’t understand it.”

“I know.” She turns her head to kiss him. “You’re much too loyal.” Leaving one family to start another was bad enough, but leaving the wife you’d shared fertility problems and adopted a child with for the girlfriend you got pregnant seemed another type of cruel. “But it’s not about how we feel, he’s still Katie’s dad, and she loves him. We probably won’t see much of him anyway, don’t worry.”

Naturally, Graham and his wife and son are the first people they meet when they arrive at Katie’s. Their little boy is three and very cute. Emma seems nice, if a little reserved, but it’s a weird situation. Tessa staring at her probably doesn’t help matters. The woman looks familiar but she can’t figure out what it is until she smiles and suddenly her mouth and the way her eyes crinkle make her look quite like Laura. Tessa almost grimaces. She thinks she should probably wait to mention this to Scott until they’re back home and Graham is a safe distance away.

“I hear congratulations are in order,” Graham says, nodding awkwardly down to her stomach. “And you two were getting ready for your wedding the last time I saw you, your anniversary must be coming up soon?”

“Thank you. Yes, next week actually. It’s been a busy year.” She reaches out for Scott’s hand beside her.

“Tessa! Scott!” They turn around to find Rosemary at the door to the kitchen beckoning them over. They join her after telling Graham and Emma that they’ll see them later. “You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to,” Rosemary informs them once they reach her. “I’m not. Although I’m not allowed to talk to him. Laura says it’s bad for my blood pressure.” She rolls her eyes.

“It is!” comes a voice from inside the kitchen.

“I don’t really want to talk to him,” Scott whispers.

Rosemary smiles at him. “Good. Come and have a drink with me. We have lots of soft drinks too, Tessa.” She winks, “And a glass of wine probably wouldn’t hurt anyway.”

Tessa still isn’t taking any chances. “Thanks, I’ll go in to Laura first and catch up with you later.”

Laura pauses her opening of napkin packets when Tessa enters the kitchen. “You look beautiful, Tessa.” She comes from behind the island to hug her.

“Thank you, so do you. It was a lovely graduation ceremony.”

“It was. I… I would have liked for you and Scott to be there.”

She hugs Laura tighter. “We got to see it. And we’re here now.”

“Katie is out in the garden if you want to see her. I heard Mom waylaying Scott.”

Tessa goes to island and starts folding the newly-opened napkins into fans to match the others. “I can help you out here first if you’d like.”

Laura sighs. “You’re a lifesaver. I know it’s not important, but I just want things to look nice.” She tells Tessa more about the ceremony, and how her boyfriend is coming later because his daughter has a dance recital he’s attending, as they work side by side.

They’re almost done when Graham’s son wanders in and Laura freezes.

Tessa goes and kneels down beside him, using one of the stools at the island to lower herself to the ground. “Hi Alex, are you looking for something?”

He frowns at her, as if he’s trying to figure out whether it’s okay to answer the question, before asking “Where is Mummy?”

“I’m not sure, but I can help you find her.” She gets back up again and reaches out her hand to him. He takes it quickly, obviously having decided that she’s a safe person to be around if his parents had been talking to her earlier.

“Alex? Alex?”

“He’s in the kitchen!” Tessa calls back, starting to walk out towards the hall.

Emma comes in looking very relieved and Alex scurries over and hugs her legs. “Did you want to go exploring, darling?” She ruffles his hair and looks back up at Tessa. “One minute he was beside me and then he was just gone.”

“You should probably keep a better eye on him then,” Laura says, in a tone Tessa has never heard her use. When she turns to look at her there’s a shocked look on her face and she murmurs an apology before going into the pantry. Emma seems more surprised than anything else and just nods before leaving too.

Tessa isn’t sure whether Laura would prefer to be alone right now, but she thinks she should ask in case she wants to talk to someone. She hovers outside the entrance to the pantry. “Laura? Would you like me to come in or do you want me to keep going with the napkins?”

“Come in, please.” Laura is using one of the napkins as a tissue and even though her attention is focused on her Tessa can’t help but notice how well-organised the pantry is. It could be an Instagram post from one of those companies who declutter people’s lives. “That was very petty of me,” she sniffles.

“It’s a difficult situation. I think it was very generous of you to invite them.” Tessa could never.

“Maybe I should have listened to my mother. She kept saying it was a ridiculous idea.” Laura is wringing her hands exactly the same way Katie does. “But I wanted to have the party here, and I couldn’t tell him not to bring his wife and child. He’s Katie’s little brother and he should be here for this.” She pauses. “I could never give her that.”

It takes Tessa a second to understand that Laura means she couldn’t give Katie a younger sibling. She doesn’t know how to respond. Laura became a mother when Tessa couldn’t be, but now she’s ready and is giving Katie another sibling that Laura can’t.

“Oh, Tessa, I don’t mean to make you feel bad! I was happier to hear about your baby than I had been for just about any other pregnancy news. I used to be so bitter and jealous about other people getting pregnant. Even now, sometimes.” She massages her temple. “I’m not usually good at things when I first start them, but I work hard, and then I get very good. But with conceiving… it never paid off. I was never anything other than terrible at getting pregnant.” She smiles then, “But I wouldn’t change it.”

“Because then you became Katie’s mom.”

“Exactly. And it was all worth it, but… maybe I could have figured out that that was how I was meant to become a mother earlier. I wish it didn’t have to be quite that hard. I think… is that what it feels like for you?”

They have never really talked about this before. “Yes. Uh, I love Katie, and I can’t imagine a world without her in it, but being pregnant at sixteen and then, after… there was nothing easy about that.” The period after the birth is so hazy to her, like her numbness had dulled everything.

“It must be very different now,” Laura says gently.

“It is. Some things are really similar, like feeling them both move for the first time, but everything outside me is so changed. Everyone is so excited this time, and that’s great, but it’s a little overwhelming?” Nobody had been excited last time. “It can feel like my family is overcompensating, all they want to talk about is the baby, and they keeping telling us what wonderful parents we’re going to be.”

“That’s true though. You will be wonderful parents.” She sounds so very sincere.

“You seem so sure about it.” It means so much to hear it from Laura, who is such a good mom.

“I know how you are with Katie.” She rubs her eyes again, her voice weakening. “And I know, maybe more than anyone, how much you would work to make sure that your child has the best opportunities you can give them, and how you would put them above your own happiness, no matter how much it hurt. You’ve done all that before.”

Tessa starts crying and Laura wraps her arms around her. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank for me telling you the truth.” She smooths down Tessa’s hair. It’s still a little surprising how comfortable she feels around Laura, how much like family she feels. “And another reason I know that you two are going to be good parents is because you adapt to what your child needs from you. It’s what you’ve been doing with Katie, you always let her set the pace.”

She hadn’t expected for Laura to refer to Katie as her child, but she is. They’re both her mother, although they have very different roles in her life.

“When Katie first talked about trying to find out more about you I never anticipated the two of you playing such a big role in our lives. I would have thought all this would make me uncomfortable, or that I couldn’t handle it, but now I can’t imagine it any other way.”

“I never would have dreamed I’d get to be here on a day like today.” She couldn’t allow herself a fantasy like that.

“I’m very glad you are.” Laura squeezes her before stepping back and wiping the tears from Tessa’s face. “Now, we should probably finish making up those napkins.”

Tessa laughs and follows her back into the kitchen.

Katie comes in from the garden soon after. “Tessa!” She has a huge smile on her face until she comes closer and her eyes become all concern, and she looks so like Scott. “Are you okay?”

Tessa pulls her in and holds her tight. “I’m great. It’s just an emotional day.” She whispers into her ear, “I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Katie whispers back. “Mum and Grandma have been crying on and off all day. And Scott got all emotional when I was talking to him outside.”

“Did you enjoy the ceremony?” She lets her go. “I want to see your dress properly, I couldn’t see it under the robe on the livestream.”

Katie twirls, showing off the red dress with pleated skirt. “It was actually really nice. Kind of scary, but good. I think it meant more than I thought it was going to, if that makes sense?” Tessa nods. “I loved Jenny’s speech.”

Tessa smiles. “I did too. I especially liked the e e cummings’ quote at the end.”

“That’s my favourite poem.” Katie blushes, pulling at her skirt. “Jenny and her family are going to come around later, they’re going out to dinner first.”

“That’s lovely. It will be good to see her again.” It’s been a while; the last time had been after Jenny had accepted her place at Northwestern and when Tessa had congratulated her she’d got all teary. Tessa had worried it was over the upcoming separation from Katie and had blurted out something about adventures and how she and Scott would have a new one in September too.

She and Katie go out to find Scott, who’s still in deep conversation with Rosemary. He guides her to the shadiest part of the garden once he sees her and fusses about how they should have thought to bring a hat, even after she assures him she has sunscreen with her.

It’s one of her favourite types of day - warm, sunny, filled with good food and the people she loves. There’s a ridiculously large selection of ice-creams for dessert and it takes her an age to choose what she wants. She tries to pick complementary flavours but ends up just going for mango sorbet and cookies and cream because they’re the ones she wants most. Scott teases her about it and she pretends to be affronted, putting her hand to her stomach and saying that it’s what the baby wants. He just laughs at her more. Katie takes a photo of them and when Tessa sees it she thinks it’s the perfect thing to use to announce the pregnancy. She likes that Katie can be a part of it too.

She posts the photo on both Instagram and Twitter the morning they leave for Baie-Saint-Paul for a trip to celebrate their first anniversary. She looks at the stream of likes and comments for a minute before deleting both apps from her phone until they return home. It’s going to be another mini-honeymoon with no social media and no interruptions.

 

The time of no interruptions is gone as soon as they return to Toronto. There’s always something to be done or someone calling. They can’t even have lazy Saturday afternoon sex without someone knocking at their door.

Tessa buries her face into the back of the couch when Scott stops moving his hands up and down her bare legs and asks, “Should we get that?”

“No! If we ignore them they’ll go away. Just get inside me. Please.” He’s been teasing her for so long, going down on her as she sat on the couch without letting her come before encouraging her to kneel with her bump against all the cushions and her arms resting on the top so he can enter her from behind. It’s one of the few positions where him deep inside her is still comfortable and that’s exactly what she needs right now.

She leans back against him and he pushes her dress down her arm, kissing her shoulder.

Then her phone starts ringing.

“It might be important, Tess.”

She grumbles some nonsense while holding out her hand for him to fetch her phone. She can tell that he’s silently laughing from the way he’s shaking.

She answers the phone, voice bright. “Hi Jordan!”

“I’m outside your house and I’ve been banging on your door but no one has answered. Both your cars are here, is everything okay?”

Tessa closes her eyes. “Everything’s fine. I’ll be there in a minute.” She hangs up. “You had better make me come right now or I will be grumpy the whole time she’s here.” She hopes Jordan won’t drop hints about baby showers again, she doesn’t want to get into why she doesn’t want one.

“Tessa! She’s right here, she’s not going to believe it takes you that long to come to the door.”

“I’m pregnant, I need to walk slowly! This will be good practice for when the baby’s here and we have no time to ourselves,” she puts on her best wheedling voice, but she knows this is a losing battle. Even if he does agree she wouldn’t be in the right frame of mind to talk with her sister after.

Scott kisses the side of her head and bends down to pick up the underwear he pulled off her earlier. “I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.”

“You’d better,” she warns, putting her underwear back on and fixing her dress. “Can you go get the door?”

“I’ve gone my whole life without your sister seeing me hard, it’s a pattern I’d like to continue.” She’s half-laughing, half-cursing Jordan when she turns to survey his current problem. “I’m going to take care of this, and I’ll join you after.”

“Don’t think about me, you don’t deserve to. It’s not fair that you get to come and I don’t.”

He gently takes her hands and helps her up off the couch. “But if I don’t think about you I won’t get off and I’ll be stuck like this forever while Jordan asks about the baby and avoids mentioning that this isn’t your first and you get annoyed but won’t talk to her about it.”

“Don’t be smart,” she says, softly pushing him down the hall.

Jordan looks worried when she finally gets to the door. “You took forever! Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I had to go the bathroom once I got up, the baby must be pushing against my bladder.” She leads her into the kitchen. “Do you want coffee?”

“Yes please. What were you doing before that?”

Why must there always be a hundred questions? “Napping. We’re both tired from travelling.”

“Oh, was your sexcation exhausting? Poor you.”

“It was not a sexcation! We visited art galleries, and went on walks, and… did plenty of other things with our clothes on!” They also had a lot of sex, with her starting matters most of the time because the second trimester increase in sex drive was still very much a thing, but she’s not giving Jordan the pleasure of being right.

Her sister just hums as Tessa makes her coffee. “Are you not having some too?”

“I had caffeine this morning,” she says mournfully. She could do with some now. “I might have one of those herbal infusions though.” But when she goes to the cupboard after handing Jordan her mug all that is left are the nasty flavours that taste like dishwater.

“We have something we need to talk about.”

“Oh. What’s that?” She turns around to face her sister.

“You keep avoiding the subject - we need to plan your baby shower! You’re due in September!”

Tessa is really not in the mood for this. She snorts, “I’m not having a baby shower. I hate baby showers.” It might come out a bit more dismissive than necessary.

Jordan frowns. “Since when?”

“Always?”

“But you helped plan mine!”

“I couldn’t exactly tell your best friend that I didn’t want anything to do with it because I never got to have one of my own and they make me want to cry.” She’d seriously thought about it when Amabelle had called her.

“Tess.” Jordan is using that calming tone she uses with her son. It’s so patronising. “You couldn’t have wanted a baby shower the first time, you didn’t want to be pregnant! Who would have even been invited - me, Mom, Alma? Your caseworker from the adoption agency?”

Her voice starts rising, “This isn’t a joke, Jordan.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” She doesn’t sound all that apologetic. “But… you need to move on, you should embrace this pregnancy and try and forget about the first one.”

“I can’t forget about it! How can I forget about it when every new part of this one reminds me of it? When I think about Katie all the time? You don’t know how hard this has all been for me.”

“Oh, it must be so hard to just decide you’re going to have a baby and then get pregnant the minute you start trying.” Jordan’s tone is so bitter.

“We didn’t just decide on a whim, I’ve wanted to have a child with Scott for the longest time, we just weren’t ready until now.”

“But it still happened right away. I’ve been trying for months and you won’t even talk about it until you’re three months along and it’s all ‘oh, here comes Baby Moir!’ Comparing notes with mom about your fertility goddess getting-pregnant-at-the-drop-of-a-hat no morning sickness ways. Having a husband who can’t keep his hands off you the whole time.”

She’s shocked for a second, until she really takes in what her sister is saying, and how she sounds. Tessa knows the desperation in Jordan’s voice, that want for something that feels so out of reach. It had been selfish of her not to consider how listening to her talk about how easy it had been could make someone who might be struggling feel, especially seeing as she knew Jordan wanted another baby. Tessa understands being jealous of a pregnant sister. “Jordan, I- I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” She had been aware that Jordan’s pregnancy hadn’t been an easy one though, she should have thought about that, too.

“You never asked.” Jordan pulls her cardigan tighter around herself.

“I don’t like asking, or being asked. There’s enough pressure around having kids.” She hadn’t even known if Jordan wanted kids until she was pregnant with Owen. Maybe that had rankled with her, that Jordan, who’d never mentioned wanting to be a mom, was going to be one while she wasn’t. “Laura once said to me…”

Jordan rolls her eyes. “Oh, _Laura_ said. Poor tragic, saintly Tessa who gave away her baby…”

Tessa hates that fucking phrase. “I did not give away my baby, I found a family for her,” she spits out, but her sister just keeps going.

“Only for that baby to find her years later, and for the baby, and the baby’s mom, to adore her and the guy who knocked her up. Who of course had only ever loved her and had been pining after her as pathetically as she’d been pining after him.” She’s reciting this like she would the plot of a bad movie, as if there had been no complications to any of this, as if all the years of pain had never happened. The rational part of Tessa knows that her sister doesn’t _really_ mean what she’s saying, it doesn’t ring true, all false bravado and an almost jeering tone that isn’t the Jordan she knows, but Jesus, it still cuts into her. “Everything ended up perfectly for the two of you, you had your perfect career and your perfect daughter found you and you got back together and got your perfect house and had your perfect wedding and now your perfect new baby.”

It's not fair. She knows Jordan is hurting, she knows that it can’t have been easy to grow up with so much focus on her skating, she knows how fortunate she is… but that isn’t how it happened. And she’s not going to stand here and just soak it up, be the calm one who smooths things over, the one who always accommodates, the only one who seems to try and think about what life might be like for the other person. She’s done enough of that already.

“It wasn’t like magic. Scott and I have worked for every single thing we have, with skating, with each other…” She grips the counter. “You would never say that if you understood how hard it was. If you knew how much it hurt. I was so careful with Katie at the start because I felt like if I made one misstep I might never see her again. We have no right to be in her life, if she and Laura don’t want us there that’s the end of it.” She can’t hold back the tears any longer, “I… I thought that once you had Owen you might understand what it was like, to have a piece of your heart out there in the world. That you might be able to imagine what it was like for me to always be missing her, to not know a thing about her when I loved her more than anything. But you didn’t. You never tried to.”

Tessa leaves the kitchen, she can’t be around Jordan right now. She doesn’t know whether she wants to be on her own or if she wants to be with Scott, safe in his arms. First, she really does need to go to the bathroom because the baby is leaning on her bladder.

Her face is so red and blotchy from crying when she sees it in the mirror as she washes her hands. She needs to calm down for the baby. He’s squirming around a little and it helps her to know that he’s there. She puts her hands on her bump and for once finds that she’s struggling for something to say. “I’m sorry for getting so upset. You have nothing to worry about, I’m just a… a little sad right now. We all get sad sometimes, and that’s okay. Your aunt is being a…” She takes a breath. “Your aunt and I had a disagreement. But I know we’ll work things out. That’s what family does.”

When she opens the door, Jordan is waiting across the hall, their faces matching. “Tess, I’m so sorry.” She opens out her arms and Tessa walks over and tucks in close to her, because no matter what they’ve said to one another, she needs her sister, and she hates to see her cry. When she was small it had always scared her a little when Jordan was upset, she was the older one, the brave one. “I should never have said that, it was horrible. I, I don’t understand what the pregnancy and the adoption was like for you, I never have. But I do know that nothing just happened for you and Scott, you work harder than anyone I know, and the two of you deserve,” her voice breaks, “ev-every happiness you have, and so many more. Please tell me you know that, Tess. Don’t let me being stupid and jealous get in your head.”

“I do know that.” Sometimes she worries that she’s too happy now, that she’s going to pay for it later, but she has no doubt that everything she has is earned, even if she’s not sure how deserving anything comes into it. She’s missed out on things in her life she thought she deserved, and probably gained things she hasn’t. “I’m sorry too, I should have noticed you were going through something instead of just being focused on myself. And I should have been more sensitive talking about getting pregnant.” She knows how lucky they’ve been to conceive so easily.

“Well, like you said, I didn’t say anything. And it’s not like it’s your fault you find it easy to get pregnant and I don’t. I shouldn’t resent you for that.”

“I was so jealous when you were pregnant,” Tessa admits. It’s the first time she’s said that to her. “I was so jealous that you got to have everyone be excited for you and that, that,” her body starts shaking with sobs, “you got to have a baby you could hold and take home.”

“Oh, Tessa.” Jordan rubs her back, concentric circles over and over again. “Let’s go and sit down, okay?” Her sister leads her into the living room and they sit down on the couch, Jordan pulling her into her side. “Are you comfortable like that, do you need more cushions?”

Tessa shakes her head, and then rests it on Jordan’s shoulder. She doesn’t really feel like talking anymore and Jordan must know that because she starts to speak in that voice she uses when she has a long story to tell.

“I never knew what to do the entire time you were pregnant the first time, with- with Katie. You were my baby sister but you were having this experience that was so much harder and, and more adult I guess, than anything I had ever had to deal with. I didn’t understand why you didn’t have an abortion, and I especially didn’t understand it after when you were…” Jordan’s voice sounds so small. “You were just wrecked. It was like you weren’t even there. I thought that you must have regretted it, you were so depressed and for years you never talked about it, or the baby. I thought you wanted to put it all behind you, so I did that too.”

“I couldn’t let myself think about her, if I did I thought it would be just like after I gave birth, and I couldn’t feel like that again.” It hurts to talk now; her throat is so dry.

“And then it took me longer to get pregnant than I expected, and I remember thinking that it was so unfair that it had happened to you by accident when you didn’t even want a kid. I was so miserable those first few months but yours had been so easy you hadn’t even noticed you were pregnant. And I didn’t know if I was going to be any good with a baby, but any baby you’d ever held had just warmed to you immediately.” This isn’t exactly Tessa’s memory of her interactions with babies, but she doesn’t think it’s worth arguing over. “But still… that was the first time I got why you didn’t go through with the abortion, or have one after Dad kept trying to persuade you. You loved Scott, you still did all those years later even if you weren’t together, and the baby was a part of that.” Jordan’s voice lowers further so that Tessa has to strain to hear it. “But what I couldn’t understand then was how you went through with the adoption. How… how could you have felt the same way I felt about Owen and not kept your baby? I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to survive that, and the thought of you having to do that when you were so young… I didn’t know how anyone could have been strong enough for that. I couldn’t… I didn’t want to think of you hurting like that.”

“I don’t know how I did it.” It had been the only way. “But it was the right thing to do. Sometimes I worry I’m not ready now, there was no way I was ready at sixteen” She coughs. “If I had… it would have meant leaving everything else behind.” Jordan kisses the top of her head. “And we had made a promise.”

“You did the best thing for everyone. Look at where you all are now.” Jordan reaches her hand out slowly like she’s expecting Tessa to stop her, and then rests it on her bump.

“I know.” She rubs Jordan’s hand. “I’m going to get a glass of water.”

“Oh, I’ll come get one, too.” Jordan pauses, thinking, before saying drily, “Actually, I think I could do with something stronger,” and making her way over to the drinks cabinet. “And do you have any ice-cream? And Kleenex?”

Tessa hands her the tissue box on the coffee table, taking a few for herself. “I always have ice-cream.”

“I can go and get it for you.”

“No, you stay here, I hid the tub somewhere in the freezer so Scott couldn’t find it.”

“Okay.” Her sister smiles at her and Tessa returns it, both a little awkward.

When she goes into the kitchen Scott is leaning over the island. He turns on hearing her and she sinks into his arms, her tears returning. They stand like that for a little while as he strokes her hair and their heartbeats synch.

“Are you two talking things out now?” he asks.

“Yeah. How much did you hear?”

“Enough.” He places kisses along her hairline. “I didn’t want to intervene, it didn’t feel like my place.”

“We said things we needed to say, just not in the way we wanted to.” It wasn’t the best way to get it all out in the open, but it was better than keeping everything unsaid.

“I might go to the rink for a while, give you two some space. Would that be okay?”

He probably needs to clear his head. “Sure, we’ll be fine. I’ll let you know if I’m dropping Jordan home, she wants booze and ice-cream.”

“I won’t be too long, I can go with you when I get back. You going to give her the stuff you think I don’t know about?”

She steps back. “How did you find it?”

Scott grins at her, that cocky one that makes her forget everything but him. “I know you pretty well by now.”

“Did you take any?”

“No, I knew you wanted it all if you were trying to hide it.” He kisses her on the forehead, and she’s a little disappointed it’s not on the lips.

“I love you.” It comes out sounding more serious than she had intended.

“I love you, too.”

They turn when they hear movement behind them and see Jordan standing at the entrance to the kitchen. “Hi, Scott.” She’s not looking directly at him.

“Hey. I’m just heading out to the rink, I’ll see you when I get back.” They both sound so stiff and it’s so strange to hear them talking like that to one another. Scott puts his hand on her cheek. “Let me know if you need me.”

She goes to the freezer after he leaves and picks out the mint chocolate chip from underneath the frozen fruit she’d bought for a trifle recipe she still hasn’t made.

Jordan is waiting for her with two spoons and a glass of water and they go back to the living room together.

 

Scott is quiet that evening, even after they drop Jordan home. Tessa figures that he’s working things out and will talk about it if he wants to when he’s ready.

He brings it up when he’s massaging the anti-stretch mark oil into her stomach. Tessa had been considering stopping this routine because she’d realised she wasn’t too worried by the possibility of getting stretch marks this time around, it wasn’t like before when she didn’t want physical reminders of it all and was afraid people might get suspicious, but then Scott had started doing it for her. It’s so relaxing, and she loves the careful concentration on his face as if this simple thing he’s doing is a task of the utmost importance. Maybe most of all she loves that something she used to do alone is now something they do together.

Sleep is calling to her and she’s trying to stay awake to read _Goodnight Moon_ after when he says, “Jordan said something earlier about me not being able to keep my hands off you, and… I haven’t been pressuring you, have I?”

She jerks her head up. “ _What_?” This is really not what she’d been expecting as his take-away from whatever he’d overheard.

“Tess, you can always tell me if…”

“I know that,” she interrupts, pushing herself up so that she’s facing him properly. “That’s not something you need to worry about. You’ve never made me feel like I had to do anything I didn’t feel comfortable doing. You being so enthusiastic… that’s something she was jealous about.”

“Okay, good.” She can see his shoulders relaxing. “I just… I guess I wondered if you’d mentioned that it was too much or something.”

“It’s definitely not too much.” She kisses him, and makes it linger. “I was starting to think that maybe you felt obligated or something.”

He tucks his head into the side of her neck and laughs, the vibrations travelling down her body. “What gave you that idea?”

“I seem to be initiating things more than you recently.”

He leaves a kiss on her pulse point, dragging his teeth against it after. “I think that was something I was worrying about already, I wanted to go at your pace.” He’s always done that, from the very beginning.

“I would let you know if I didn’t want to, I probably will want to have less sex or do things differently towards the end, but I’ll tell you that.” He moves his hand softly along the swell of her bump and it makes her feel so secure. “I like it when you take it further because I know for sure that you want me.” The words come out in a rush, like it’s a secret.

Scott lifts his head and leans his forehead against hers. “Tessa, I promise that I want you. In every way.”

“I know you do, really, it’s silly, but…”

“You didn’t know last time,” he says softly.

“Yes,” she whispers.

He heaves out a breath. “That’s something else I wanted to talk to you about after earlier.” He rubs her back where it had been bothering her yesterday. “You’ve been talking to Jordan and your mom about things that were gnawing at you from how they’d treated you when you were pregnant with Katie, but… you haven’t brought any of that up with me.”

She’s a little confused. “We talk about the first pregnancy a lot, and we’ve been talking about it properly for years now.”

“You don’t mention how I let you down though.”

“Scott, you didn’t.” She hugs him tight. “You did your best. My mom didn’t want us seeing each other, and… it was so hard for us to know what to say. We were so young.” It sounds trite to her, but they really were so very young to have to deal with all those decisions and those complicated emotions. They seem like different people almost, so far away from where they are, but it’s like her body still remembers that girl and what she went through, especially now.

“I was eighteen. I had a car. I could have come to see you more. I could have made more of an effort.”

“And I had a phone and a laptop, I could have let you know that I would have liked you to be around.” She pauses. “I should have involved you in decisions earlier on. I blindsided you with changing my mind about the abortion and choosing adoption.”

“It was your body, Tessa,” he says firmly. “That was always your choice.”

“Yes, but after I knew I didn’t want to have an abortion what we decided on should have been a discussion. We both made mistakes.”

“You thought that I didn’t want you. You didn’t even know whether I still loved you.” His voice is cracking and she wants to make all his pain go away.

“I knew you cared about me, I always knew that. I just wasn’t sure if it was in the same way as before, or if I still deserved that from you.” She knows he’s about to tell her that of course she still deserved that, she knows that now herself. “And yes, it hurt me to think that you didn’t want me anymore. But, honestly, it was lower down on the list of things that were hurting me by the end of the pregnancy.” And it faded into insignificance after the birth.

“I know we’ve talked about all of this before, but now that you’re pregnant and I can really see all that it involves, and what’s going to happen over the next few months and then the birth… You were so alone last time. I left you on your own.”

“But I’m not alone now.” She moves one of his hands from her back to her bump. “You’re here, and you’ve been amazing. Last time was so hard, but we get to enjoy this now. We can’t let it overpower everything. Yes, I wish things could have been different, but we can’t change that. It’s not your fault, and it’s not mine, and… it’s not my mom’s either. It was a difficult situation that none of us knew how to handle.” Her voice loses its surety, “And maybe… Maybe things would have been just as hard if we had seen more of each other, if we had been honest about how we were feeling.” Her words are just scratches now, “I don’t know if I could have done what needed to be done if we were together, if I knew how you felt about the baby.” She can’t say more than that, can’t even let herself think it.

“Maybe it happened the way it needed to happen for us to end up here.” He sounds like he doesn’t want to admit it, but she thinks he’s right.

“And I am so happy to be here.”

“I am too.” Scott kisses her, softly, and she deepens it, threading her hands through his hair and moving herself as close to him as she can go. She wants to make him feel good, to take away the pain. She wants to be in this moment, not the past.

“Can I still check in or do you want me to just start taking your clothes off?” he asks.

“Checking in is good,” she assures him. “But you can also take my clothes off.” She’s not wearing many, just leggings and a bra after he took her top off earlier to put on the oil. “Wait,” she stops his hands where they’re running across her waistband, “you need to wash your hands first.”

“Oh shit, yeah.” He kisses her hard and fast before quickly going into the ensuite and back out to her again. His movements are deliberate as he drags her leggings down and then runs his hands back up her legs until he’s sitting up in front of her again. “I don’t know if I deserve this sometimes, getting to be with you when I wasn’t last time.”

“It’s not about deserving, it’s just about us loving each other.” Tessa guides his hands to the back of her bra and he’s so careful as he takes it off. “I think we should make up for all the sex we didn’t have when I was pregnant before. And for the next one too, we probably won’t have as much time for this when we already have a kid.”

Scott smiles. “You want another one already?”

“Yes.” They probably can’t afford to wait around too long if they want more kids after this baby. “I’ll have to so I can keep you interested seeing as you’re apparently so into pregnancy sex.”

He kisses the grin off her face. “It’s not a kink,” he says then.

“It’s okay if it is.” Very okay right now.

He runs a finger up and over the centre of her bump, shy almost. “It’s not the pregnancy sex itself, it’s sex with you when you’re pregnant. It’s getting to be close to you like that.”

She kisses him, murmuring something about how she loves being close to him, and then pulls off his t-shirt.

He starts pulling her underwear down. “Do you want to try from behind like we were going to do earlier?” He squeezes her bum gently.

She shakes her head. “What do you want to do?”

“I want whatever…”

“What do you want to do?” she repeats, her hands busy taking his sweatpants off.

He throws her underwear down on the ground and then takes off his own before leaning in close and kissing her softly. “I want to be able to look into your eyes.”

She encourages him to lie down on his side and follows suit. He places pillows underneath her with one hand while the other dances over her upper thighs until he finally touches her. She can hear it almost as much as she feels it.

“I needed that,” she says, head lolling back a little before she remembers he wants her eyes on his.

“What do you need now?”

“You inside me.”

“You don’t want this first?” He teases his finger around her entrance. She bucks against him, considering it for a second.

“No, want all of you.”

Scott positions himself so that he’s lying at an angle to her and won’t put any weight on her bump, and then moves his leg over hers. He thrusts in so slowly, caressing her right hip with his thumb.

“I love how you feel,” she murmurs.

He echoes exactly what she said, taking her hand and interlacing their fingers before putting it to his mouth and kissing it. They’d have to strain too much to kiss on the lips like this, but she knows what it would be like from the way he’s looking at her, reverent and full of love.

“Can you tell me what you like about having sex when I’m pregnant?”

He moves his hand up from her hip over her stomach. “I like seeing how your body changes.” He cups her breast so gently and it’s amazing how much stimulation she can get from the tiniest amount of pressure. “I like feeling how it’s changing.” She meets his hips with her own and he squeezes her hand tighter. “You’re always beautiful, but there is a glow. Your hair’s even shinier now.” He buries his other hand in it.

“You love my hair.” He used to tell her that all the time.

“I do. I love everything about you.”

“I’m going to get really fat this time, I think.” She catches her breath. “I might look like a whale.”

“I’m still going to want you. I’m always going to want you. Tess,” he pauses and she squirms against him, “our baby is growing inside you. That’s fucking incredible.” He pushes in again, a tiny bit harder but always so careful with her. “Your body is changing because we made a child who’s half you and half me.”

“Because we love each other.” She’s always had a tendency to get babbly and emotional during sex with Scott, and her pregnancy hormones have certainly not curbed this.

“So much.” He removes his hand from her hair and puts it in between them, his thumb hovering right over her clit. “That’s another reason I like seeing you like this, everyone knows we’re together.” He presses down on her clit, increasing pressure bit by bit before starting to move his thumb around. Her breaths come faster and faster and she knows she’s nearly there. “And everyone…” His face is red and she doesn’t know if that’s a new development because of what he’s thinking about or a more gradual thing.

“What?” she pants.

She doesn’t know if it’s just the way he’s moving inside her and at her clit, or if it’s the look in his eyes, or the words he’s saying, but she comes immediately after he says, “Everyone knows you’re mine.”

He pulls out and shuffles up the bed a little so he can kiss her. “I like that too,” she mumbles after, her mind still foggy.

“Me being possessive?” He laughs a little.

“Yes. And they all know that you’re mine.”

“I’ve always been yours, Tess.”

She presses her lips against his, and then frowns. “You didn’t come.”

“I want to make you come again first.”

“Oh.” She kisses him, messily, but he doesn’t mind. “I like that idea.”

He sits up and gently pulls her up with him before he moves behind her and positions their bodies so that they’re facing the floor-length mirrors on their wardrobes. “I want you to see how beautiful you are.”

Tessa doesn’t think she could feel any other way after he’s made her feel so good, or with how his eyes are taking in her every detail. She smiles at the reflection of her red face with its shining eyes and just-been-fucked hair. She loves seeing how his hand is splayed over her bump, and how his gaze darkens when she rubs herself against him. They’d first used a mirror like this back in the bedroom of his Montréal apartment on one of those first weekends after they got back together when no matter how good it felt when he filled her from behind she still couldn’t come unless they were kissing or she could see his eyes on hers.

“This is what you wanted earlier, right?” he asks, voice low.

She nods, stretching her arm so she can reach the back of his head and grab onto his hair.

“Is this okay or do you want to kneel down in front?” He runs one hand up and down her side.

“Like this,” she confirms. He’s right at her back for support and she doesn’t think they’re going to last long enough for her legs to get too tired.

She moans when she sinks down on him and he lets out an echoing one right into her ear, his teeth stroking her earlobe. She can take him so deep inside her at this angle.

“Good?” he asks. She tightens her grip on his hair and starts to circle her hips. “Look at you,” he coaxes, “you’re so gorgeous.”

“Always feel like that with you.”

He starts thrusting, so slow and gentle at first that she’s about to remind him he isn’t putting pressure on anything, but then faster and stronger. “I only ever want to make you feel good, Tessa.”

“You do, you do.” She closes her eyes because it’s too much to take in, how they feel moving against one another and then one of his hands cupping her breast and the other slowly moving downward. Her legs start to tremble as he lays kisses down the column of her neck and then when he takes her clit in between two of his fingers and squeezes she’s gone. He comes as she calls out his name again and again.

He kisses her shoulders as her breathing returns to normal. “I’m going to get a cloth to clean us up, okay?” He pats her hip lightly before pulling out and then she lies down, sated and exhausted.

The cloth is cool against her hot skin, and he rubs it so delicately, knowing how sensitive she is right now. “You take such good care of me.”

“I try.” He kisses her cheek.

“I should get up and go to the bathroom.” She doesn’t want to deal with a UTI along with everything else. Scott helps her up and to pull an old t-shirt of his that’s she’s been sleeping in that was always too big for him over her head.

The baby starts moving as she walks back into their room. “Someone is waking up.”

Scott reaches out his hands, smiling, as she comes closer. “He wasn’t moving earlier?”

She joins their hands together over where the baby is kicking. “No, not since after dinner. A change from normal.” During sex is the one time she wishes he wouldn’t move, even though she knows he has no clue what’s going on.

“Maybe he’s figured out it’s the one time he’s not going to get any attention, huh?”

Tessa lowers herself down onto the bed and rests her head on Scott’s shoulder. “I think he knows it’s story time, don’t you, darling?”

“You tired?”

“Good tired.” She moves back on the bed so that she’s leaning against some pillows.

Scott stretches back and picks up _Goodnight Moon_ from the table on his side of the bed, where it rests under the double photo frame containing Katie and this baby’s sonograms that she gave him for Father’s Day. He turns so that he’s facing her, one hand on her bump and the other holding the book open. He looks so content and at peace now that she wants to capture it in her mind.

“In the great green room,” he begins. She leans over and kisses him on the temple. “You’re distracting me!” he says.

“You just look so happy.”

He angles his head so that he can kiss her properly. “I am happy.”

The baby kicks, and it feels more forceful than any before. “Are you happy too?” she coos (apparently baby talk happens before the baby comes, at least this time around). “Are you my happy baby?”

“You’re getting so strong,” Scott marvels.

He kicks again. “Do you want more of your story?” Tessa asks. She pauses, “Where were we?”

“There was a telephone…”

They continue the story together as their baby moves, huge smiles on both their faces. All the pain from earlier in the day feels so long ago now that she’s here in this moment. She takes it in and holds it close to her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'd love to know what you thought about this :) I can be found [here](https://iwantthemtostay.tumblr.com/) where I post screenshots of how long my chapters are getting and wonder what happened to the person who had never written a chapter in the double digits.


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